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Monday, March 10, 2014

Bad Elmo Murdered: Police Finger The Number 11 and The Letter K as Suspects

Posted By on Mon, Mar 10, 2014 at 9:07 AM

Just kidding: Bad Elmo lives on ...
  • Just kidding: Bad Elmo lives on ...

San Francisco, CA - In an undignified end to a controversial career, San Francisco police say that the notorious "Bad Elmo," was stabbed 11 times at Fisherman's Wharf, and bled to death in front of bystanders.

Bad Elmo was infamous in both San Francisco and New York for delivering anti-Semitic rants in public places. According to reports, the altercation that ended Bad Elmo's life started after he told a crowd that no Jewish puppets had died in the Holocaust.

Witnesses told Sesame Street News that Bad Elmo was shouting, quote:

"Just because The Count said it was 6 million doesn't mean it's true! He's one of them! Elmo says his father was a rabbi! It says so on his tag's washing instructions!"

At a press conference SFPD Chief Greg Suhr told reporters that the Police Department has charged the number 11 and the letter K as suspects.

"Everybody knows that "K" is the first letter in "Knife," and our victim was stabbed 11 times, so it's a pretty open and shut case," Suhr told reporters.

He added: "Do you know the difference between open and shut?"

A spokesman for the Mayor's Office illustrated the difference with a 60-second skit in which Mayor Ed Lee tries to get into his office, but former Mayor Willie Brown keeps shutting the door. It ended with a handshake deal to build a 110-story tower of condominiums on the waterfront.

According to San Francisco District Attorney George Gascon, prosecutors have four very convincing pieces of evidence against the number 11 and the letter K. But a spokesman for the letter K accused the city's crime lab of mishandling the evidence, saying, quote: "One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn't belong."

The city's crime lab has been under fire in recent years for mishandling evidence, and lab scientists have been documented using drugs taken as evidence. The letter K claims this represents a conflict of interest, citing its prominent role in the drug "Special K." Although it hastened to add that "all drugs are special just the way they are."

A spokesman for the city's crime lab responded: "Me want cookie! Me want cookie so bad!"

A trial has been scheduled for April, and will be heard before a jury of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ... 11, 12 peers.

Special guest Usher warned San Franciscans not to cross against the traffic light.

Bad Elmo is survived by Super Grover, but the two were reportedly estranged after Grover explained "near" and "far" to a group of ethnically diverse children.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

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Benjamin Wachs

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