By Faux Eliana Lopez
Now that FOX News has gotten into the act, I'd like to take a moment to talk to supporters, allies, and members of the community about the controversy surrounding actress Maria Conchita Alonso.
Maria was scheduled to play the lead in the Spanish-language version of The Vagina Monologues that I'm producing in the Mission, but resigned after she appeared in a political advertisement for Tea Party gubernatorial candidate Tim Donnely.
Many people, such as Fox News, claim that Maria was forced to resign because our community doesn't like her politics, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Maria had to resign because the vaginas of conservative women do not talk, making her incompatible with the play.
The Vagina Monologues let us remember, is a celebration of women -- of all women -- whoever they may be, provided they have talking genitals, which only liberal women do. Women of all races, colors, religions, and creeds have a right to have their voices heard, unless they use their empowerment to say something controversial, in which case their vaginas go silent. It's science: what are you going to do?
This is what makes The Vagina Monologues such an important cultural force: it gives voice to the voiceless, to those who have been silenced, to the experiences of women that have too often been pushed aside because they are inconvenient. Each production of The Vagina Monologues is an opportunity to keep the patriarchy from oppressing liberal women; but we don't need the patriarchy to stop oppressing conservative women, because their vaginas are quiet, their experiences as women lost to us forever. Sometimes I wonder what they are like, but it is impossible to ask, or listen, or hire them.
The more outspoken such women are, the more we must shun them, because who likes outspoken women? They anger communities, and get people riled up, and we can't have that in our revolutionary play about the experience of vaginas. The community must be completely comfortable with our play offering offering up sexual truth to power. It must offend no one.
Honestly, Maria, how can you have a talking vagina with opinions about immigration like that? It makes no sense.
Besides, can you imagine the confusion that would follow if actors were allowed to play parts that don't represent their lives? To allow a conservative women to speak in The Vagina Monologues would be like allowing Anthony Hopkins to play Hannibal Lecter without being a cannibal; or Patrick Stewart to play Jean-Luc Picard without actually being a starship captain, or French; or Macklemore to win a Grammy. There is no room in acting for creativity or imagination. The very idea that a work of art could open the door to new perspectives is dangerous propaganda. True art has people just like us telling us what we already believe in, sometimes (but not always) with their vaginas. There is certainly no room for political disagreement between vaginas.
Vaginas speak with one voice, or not at all.
That is the true message of The Vagina Monologues -- that true sisterhood comes from uniformity, that women who disagree are not really women, that you sign the party line if you want to work in this town.
I hope you agree, because if you don't it will be noted and used against your vagina at a later date.
Benjamin Wachs is a literary chameleon