A Faux Memo From The Pentagon
Dec. 3, Washington -- Today in a statement issued by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Amazon's Vice President for Customer Service, officials verified reports that three Amazon Drones armed with Hellfire missiles and Hellfire: The Jerry Lee Lewis Story accidentally targeted and destroyed a wedding in Pakistan's Punjab province.
"As you know, Amazon drones automatically target any male age 14 to 37 as a potentially active customer," said Vice President for Drones and Mercenaries Sebastian Gunningham. "The groom and his party were spotted at 08:41, while the drones were delivering a copy of Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" and packet of moist towlettes to a customer whose name and address will be provided shortly.
At 08:42 the drones descended to an altitude of 30 feet in order to offer the groom 30 percent off the Kindle Paperwhite. At 08:42:34 the best man was spotted using an iPad, and we believe he was using it to purchase something directly from the Apple Store. This likely made the drone view the encounter as hostile, with tragic results. We continue our investigation, and of course offer our condolences to the family, who we'd like to provide coffins to at a 50 percent discount from the Amazon Coffin Store. The coffins can be delivered by drones in under 30 minutes."
This is not the first time Amazon's "Air Prime" program has led to deaths, which the company calls "the side-effect of truly excellent customer service." In March, a drone delivering a carton of socks crashed into a Connecticut Bar Mitzvah, killing six and leaving a grandmother alone in the dark. No one became a man that day.
In June, an Amazon drone harassed some 30 senior citizens to death in an Idaho retirement home when it wouldn't stop suggesting other products they might like.
And in August, a group of wealthy teenagers on a buying spree inadvertently leveled most of their Orange County, California high school when they ordered over 500 Amazon drones to bring them the entire line of Star Wars merchandise during study hall.
This doesn't even include Amazon's so-called "black ops" in the developing world, where it is alleged to have distributed copies of Smurfs 2 to anti-government forces in South Asia. Amazon denies the allegations, but Human Rights Watch says there is concrete proof that the so-called "Blue Holocaust" occurred, and is pressing the International War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague to indict Jeff Bezos.
Bezos could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman said the Amazon CEO can only be tried by the private sector.
Thomas Szkutak, Amazon's Director of Human/Cyborg Relations, called the company's drone program "an absolute success."
"The only way you'll get consumer goods faster is to actually leave your house," Szkutak said. "And you won't want to do that anymore, because of all the drones out there. It's terrifying. Fortunately, instead of risking your life to go get a copy of The Wolverine on Blu-Ray, you can stay inside and have Amazon send it to you, along with all the food and water you'll need to survive a drone attack."
Added Szkutak, "Whatever you do, just don't have an outdoor wedding. Those things are deathtraps now."
Benjamin Wachs is a literary chameleon