The SF Weekly newsroom boasts the strange distinction of sitting above a fertility clinic. That means the morning elevator ride is often shared with anxious females gripping the hand of their nervous partner. It also means that in dull moments I can chew on the unsettling fact that there's a man jerking off in a cup a floor below me. More semen is spouting around at my workplace than a Tenderloin massage parlor.
Those elevator rides made me think: Why
go through this pain, ladies, this cycle of hope and disappointment and awkwardness with the man you love? This is 2011, you can just get your sperm from a donor confidentially online.
Not only that, the news in past couple of months has served up two very willing donors -- Alabama gubernatorial candidate from Bill Johnson
, who is an anti-gay marriage crusader providing sperm to lesbian couples in Australia. (Such a move would probably just garner laughs in San Francisco, but try explaining that one in Tuscaloosa.) The other is the Bay Area's very own Trent Arsenault
, a tech worker by day, online porn star by night, and one-man sperm factory at all hours of the day.
Arsenault has been told by the FDA to stop sending his sperm through the mail.
Let the Sperm Donor Smackdown begin:
Donor: Bill Johnson (yes, "Johnson")
Scandal: The failed Republican Alabama gubernatorial candidate railed against same-sex marriage when on the campaign trail, but was later discovered donating his sperm to the enemy (a.k.a. lesbians) while doing aid work in Australia.
Yield: He's donated his spunk to nine women, three of whom became pregnant. But they are in New Zealand, so risks of a meeting are unlikely.
DNA attributes: He's handsome in a sort of all-American, football-player, Southern stock kind of way. Nice teeth. Minus points for receding hairline and two-facedness.
Emotional ties: While he says his donation stems from wanting to have children of his own, he also is happily married to "the most beautiful woman in the world," as he puts it, so will not try to insert himself into your life any time soon.
Best tweet about his high jinks:
"@sexypreacher58 Scott Beason is writing a bill to keep Bill Johnson's gay parent-raised New Zealander children from taking Alabama jobs."
Donor: Trent Arsenault (Yes, "Arse")
He's been slapped on the, err, wrist by the FDA to stop donating his sperm on trentdonor.org
instead of through a traditional sperm bank. Then, it came out that he's actually featured as TrentDog, a "donorsexual" (his term) in hundreds of videos online which show him masturbating using water polo balls and even a frozen pack of blueberries.
Yield: He's an sperm-producing animal: Father of 14 children and four more on the way. He'll also coach you on how to keep up your sperm count.
DNA attributes: Skinny, pale, German-French-Irish mix with a baby chic face. Seemingly humanitarian streak, given that he doesn't charge for his sperm and wants to help fertility-challenged couples. But look out for the teenage years, when he was extremely randy. And, given his porn videos, perhaps a bit weird.
Emotional ties: He likes to have a personal touch with his donations, yet he signs a contract with the couples absolving him of parenting rights and responsibilities. And given he already has 14, going on 18, babies running around, we're guessing he doesn't have enough time to make for any of his kiddos.
Best tweet about his high jinks: loweringthebar tweets "FDA Deems Man A 'Human Sperm Manufacturer // Wow, I've been making it for years with no FDA oversight whatsoever."