'Twas a sad day in Birtherville yesterday, as President Barack Obama's abrupt decision to indulge clinically paranoid requests for his extended birth certificate resulted in the nonrevelation that our commander-in-chief is, in fact, an American citizen. Racist idiots will now have to find something else to harp about. Their jester-king, Donald Trump, has nimbly pivoted to scrutiny of Obama's academic record.
We think this shows a lack of imagination. Obama is plainly a smart, smart man, and attacking his intellectual credentials doesn't seem to bode for success. But don't lose hope, birthers! You are persecuted, but not forsaken; you are cast down, but not destroyed. In the tradition of media goading of the deranged masses, the Snitch has a few suggestions for other profitable ways to impugn our president's legitimacy. Read after the jump.
1. Ask Obama to prove he is not the Antichrist. Sarah Palin famously said the question of Obama's birthplace is "fair game." So can anyone begrudge an average American his desire for a wholly legitimate inquiry into whether Obama is the Son of the Beast? (And no, Orange County Republicans, we're not talking about chimpanzees.) As the New York Times ominously noted in an editorial, Obama's extended birth certificate was signed by his mother and two witnesses -- but not his father. We're just saying.
2. Demand the president release his Hawaiian learner's permit. Did Obama obtain a learner's permit prior to receiving his driver's license? If not, why not? Was he driving illegally in the presence of his (apparent) mother? Was he not like other American teenagers, who can't wait to get behind the wheel? Does he secretly hate the American auto industry? All these questions could be put to rest if the president took the simple step of releasing his learner's permit. If the Donald won't force the issue, we will.
3. Double check that Obama is truly not the Antichrist. This question is an important one, so it's worth circling back to. How can our country grapple with the serious issues it faces without full confidence that our president is not the harbinger of 1,000 years of darkness? Sorry, Barry: A birth certificate, even an extended birth certificate, won't do the job this time. We demand a signed affidavit from Pope Benedict XVI averring that Obama is one of the sons of men.
4. Ascertain that Obama is not an extraterrestrial who built the pyramids. Ancient peoples spoke of mysterious fires in the sky. The engineering savvy on display in the construction of Egypt's 4,000-year-old pyramids at Giza was clearly beyond the ken of the pharaohs, leading some perspicacious souls to speculate that they were built by visitors from the stars. Was Obama one of them? We're not saying he is -- for the time being, we will take him at his word that he is a member of the human race born in 1961 -- but this question could easily be settled by a good-faith effort on the part of the president to demonstrate that he does not possess the technology for long-range interstellar travel.
5. Okay, we're sorry to keep coming back to the Antichrist thing, but it is just really bugging us. Upon reflection, the pope's seal of approval might not suffice. This is, after all, the same pope who gave his seal of approval to a German pedophile. What way is there for average, hard-working Americans to assure themselves that their president is not an an alien son of Satan with a murky adolescent driving record? This is fair game, people! The future of our country is at stake, and is in the hands of a tall and charming man with darker skin than the 43 presidents who preceded him! Today you're afraid to ask the tough questions. Don't complain tomorrow when the pyramids are built in your backyard.
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