There is no old-timers day in modeling. Twiggy
and Cheryl Tiegs
do not prance down the catwalk after the cruel standards of their industry deem them old and unsuitable.
There is an old-timers day, however, for the men who model football uniforms -- provided, of course, they're modeling for the United Football League
. A handful of former household names, since deemed too old and unsuitable for the NFL, have latched on to the UFL. And, last week, they were strutting their stuff down a Las Vegas catwalk, revealing the teams' duds for the coming year.
First things first: This year's uniforms are so much better than last year's Day-Glo nuclear Jolly Rancher atrocities
, the improvement can't be measured numerically. Last year's UFL unis were so lousy, they actually detracted from would-be fans' perception of the team as a viable league -- or at least that's the opinion of your humble narrator.
Also, relocating teams away from San Francisco and New York -- to Sacramento and Hartford, respectively -- makes a lot more sense for a league that professes to serve regions without options when it comes to watching pro football.
In any event, on with the fashion show: Las Vegas LocosIsn't that
... Yes, the models were former 49ers quarterback Tim Rattay (who once autographed mini-footballs at the FedEx on Bush and Sansome) and former Arizona Cardinals tight end Adam Bergen (pictured). Don't those uniforms look just like
... Yes, Oregon State
: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. PleaseFlorida TuskersIsn't that
... Yep, that's former Oakland Raider Dominic Rhodes. Hell of a smile on him. Don't those uniforms look just like
... the Carolina Panthers
(especially the Tuskers' road unis
: Ever since the San Jose Sharks in 1991
, every team has tried to incorporate teal into its uniforms. The mixture of black and teal, however, is jarring. The black is obviously a tough guy thing while teal harks to decor in the waiting room of an ear, nose, and throat specialist in 1950s suburbia. Eh -- better than last year's uniforms. Ohmaha NighthawksIsn't that
... That's former Lambeau Leaper Ahman Green
(a former Nebraska Cornhusker who has come home to husk). The Nighthawks -- as good a name as any for a pro team from Omaha -- will play their games at Rosenblatt Stadium.
Hmmm. If Green vaults into the stands after scoring at home, what should it be called? The Rosenblatt Riccochet? Don't those uniforms look just like
... The Mean Machine
. Exactly. Commentary
: You can never fail with black uniforms. But these don't wildly succeed, either.
... I have no damn idea. The credit says it's Andre Dixon, who came right out of the University of Connecticut to play for the UFL
. Don't those uniforms look just like
... the St. Louis Rams
? You bet they do. Meanwhile, Hartford's away kit
looks just like Navy