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Thursday, January 21, 2010

It's Your 2010 Women's Pro Soccer Fashion Show!

Posted By on Thu, Jan 21, 2010 at 8:30 AM

Last season, we channeled our inner Mr. Blackwells and critiqued the uniforms worn during the initial year of the San Francisco-based Women's Professional Soccer league. This year, the league asked us to do it again -- no joke. So, what the hell. We're getting the band back together!
 
click to enlarge Everybody smile!
  • Everybody smile!
The "Mimicking Pavement? That's The Thing To Do?" Division:

click to enlarge Gravel is not the goal...
  • Gravel is not the goal...

With her dark gray primary uniform and bright yellow piping, Amy Rodriguez of the Philadelphia Independence, unfortunately, resembles a freeway. She may give I-280 a run for its money as the nation's "Most Scenic Freeway," but, in general, gravel-colored uniforms are nothing to aspire to.

 





click to enlarge Seriously, where can we get a pair of shoes like this?
  • Seriously, where can we get a pair of shoes like this?

In a similar -- though less gravelly -- vein, Angie Kerr of the St. Louis Athletica is wearing a uniform the exact same color as a sidewalk (except in ritzy towns; there sidewalks are pink. That, too, wouldn't work for a soccer uniform.). Pavement and forest green are bad colors -- which makes the fact this uniform has little personality even more glaring. Points for the Tampa Bay Bucs tangerine shoes, though. But those are probably not standard issue.





The "You Tried. That's Good. You Failed. That's Bad" Division

click to enlarge We want stripes! We want stripes!
  • We want stripes! We want stripes!
What has the league unleashed upon Manya Makoski of the Los Angeles Sol? Is it Mel Gibson's face in Braveheart, if only he hailed from Pittsburgh? Is it the one horrible uniform the 1979 Pirates didn't wear? There are possibilities here -- but this uniform is not realizing them. Perhaps they can find someone knowledgeable about fashion in the L.A. vicinity to lend a hand.

 
click to enlarge The face of the franchise...
  • The face of the franchise...








Who brought "change" to Washington, D.C.? The Washington Freedom did. Unfortunately, it wasn't good. The Freedom's look this year pales in comparison to last year's duds (those seemed a bit more understated and didn't have white shorts. White shorts, players will find, are often translucent -- with all due respect to Manchester United). Props to Nikki Marshall for her enthusiasm modeling the kit. But while style may get you to D.C., you need substance to make an impact. These uniforms, like the political juju of D.C.'s most famous resident, have regressed.


The "Losing By Less Is The New Winning" Division

click to enlarge We've got the blues too, Leslie
  • We've got the blues too, Leslie
Monochromatism has its pitfalls (see: Seattle Seahawks). But Leslie Osborne of the Boston Breakers nearly pulls it off. Nearly. The problem is, electric blue just isn't a good enough uniform color to warrant a head-to-toe wardrobe; it's like the Josh Hartnett of colors. It's fine in limited doses. No one should give it its own movie. (trust us, we've sat through Lucky Number Slevin).  

click to enlarge Very, very yellow
  • Very, very yellow
While it's apparent that Leigh Ann Robinson of the Atlanta Beat would make even a 1998 Cleveland Cavs jersey look like something filched from the wardrobes of Mount Olympus, we fear that "banana" is not a fitting base color for a professional sporting franchise's apparel. Also, remember our dire warning regarding white shorts. So, yes, while banana-and-white might be a great combo for roller skating along Venice Beach in 1978, we have our reservations regarding a pro sports uni in 2010.
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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Bio:
Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.

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