"It has come to this office's attention that you have made repeated allegations of theft of your eponymous "Lucky Charms" (hereafter referred to as "LC"). Yet we have found no pertinent records indicating any police reports regarding theft of the LC. ... Moreover, it has come to our attention that you refer to said LC as being "magically delicious." Following the passage of AB 4066 in 2004, most types of magic are actually illegal in California (with exceptions in various tribal domains). We ask that you send us written proof regarding what spells, enchantments, or other magical methods you are using as a taste enhancer for the LC. We will be expecting your owl shortly. ...
"Dear sir or madam: This is an amicus brief filed on behalf
of the underrepresented letters of the alphabet, Q, J, X, Z, and
sometimes Y, who feel they have been given scant notice in your cereal
for years -- and, when utilized, given marginal and demeaning roles.
Q's mandatory accompaniment by U, furthermore, is a blatant violation
of a bevy of state labor laws. This action has also been enjoined by the
letters L, A, W, S, U, I, and T."
"To Mr. Silly G. Rabbit: It is ourHigh School Musical Cereal:
great concern that your repeated claims that "Trix are for kids" has
led many a young cereal consumer to incalculable pain and suffering in
the world of child prostitution. We are ordering you to cease and
desist from using this phrase or ushering any minors into the world of
illicit sex immediately and forthwith."
"OMG. We find your cereal to be thoroughly grody and detestible and little more than an odious marketing tie-in to a resoundingly passing fad. In plain English, your cereal fuckin' blows, man. Cut it out or we'll sue your ass."Kellogg's Raisin Bran:
"It has come to our attention that, at no time, has the volume of the so-called 'two scoops' of raisins guaranteed to be contained within every box been specified. It is entirely possible that said scoops are no larger than a Monopoly game piece -- the wheelbarrow, say. In any event, the claim of uniform plenty is unsubstantiated. Please send us a scoop with great haste.
"Sir -- it is with great humbleness that we beseech you to send us a geaneological chart establishing that you are indeed the fourth count of Chocovania...."