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Thursday, November 5, 2009

Gavin Newsom: The Musical! Sing Along With Our Whimsical Mayor.

Posted By on Thu, Nov 5, 2009 at 2:30 PM

Sing along with our erstwhile mayor, Gavin Newsom, as he belts out the SF Weekly original tune, "If I Were a Nice Man," (to the tune of "If I Were a Rich Man" of Fiddler on the Roof fame. At last, the great Topol/Zero Mostel debate is over: Gavin is the greatest Tevye of them all!). We hear this tune is very popular now in Hawaii, thanks in large part to Newsom (along with Hawaiians' traditional love of Broadway musicals).

click to enlarge Sunrise, sunset -- aloha!
  • Sunrise, sunset -- aloha!

Click above to listen. Lyrics below:

"If I Were a Nice Man"

Vocals: Benjamin Wachs

Lyrics: Joe Eskenazi

(SUNG) If I were a nice man

Ya ba deedle deedle, hubba bubba yeelde deedle dum

All day long I'd biddy biddy bum

If I were a well-liked man!

I wouldn't have to fund-raise

Ya ha dollar dollar yubba bubba dollar doidle doo

If I were a biddy biddy nice

Yidle-didle-dollar-didle man

I'd lease a headquarters with rooms by the dozen

Right in the heart of the downtown

With Blue Bottle Coffee and blue lapel pins for show

There would be one line of donors snaked around the block

And one even longer on PayPal

And one continuous Twitter feed of dough....

I'd fill the streets with hot girls toting clipboards

To shake down everyone who's near

Hawking as lustily as they can

And each "Give Gavin!" "Yeah Gavin!" "Go Gavin"

Would land like a kiss upon the ear

As if to say our mayor's a well-liked man.

If I were a nice man

Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.

All day long, I'd biddy biddy bum

If I were a well-liked man.

I wouldn't have to fund-raise

Ya ha dollar dollar yubba bubba dollar doidle doo

If I were a biddy biddy nice

Yidle-didle-dollar-didle man

I see my wife, my Jen-Jen, looking like a nice man's wife

With kids and dogs and cats

Smiling at photo-ops day and night

I see her gazing my way and starring in crap TV shows

Oh, she'll be happy now with that

(SPOKEN) Until that asshole takes a dump on our front steps again (sighs)

(SUNG) The most important Dems around would come to splurge on me!

They would ask me to tour with them,

Like Bonnie and Clyde

"Let's hit L.A. Gavin"

"Vegas, Gavin, Vegas!"

You don't think they'd tap me a river of cash a mile wide?

And it won't make a difference if I say I'll stay or say I'll go

When you're nice they think you'll always show

If I were nice, I'd have the friends that I lack

To drive my car pool till I plotz

See what it takes to make a hybrid SUV stall

And I'd save my bridge tolls and use them to pay for all my statewide TV spots

That would be the bitchenest thing of all

If I were a nice man

Ya ba deedle deedle, hubba bubba yeelde deedle dum

All day long I'd biddy biddy bum

If I were a well-liked man!

I wouldn't have to fund-raise

Ya ha dollar dollar yubba bubba dollar doidle doo

If I were a biddy biddy nice

Yidle-didle-dollar-didle man

Lord who made the hair gel and the comb

You handed me damn near everything I own

Would it spoil some Downtown-friendly development plan

If I were a well-liked man!

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Bio:
Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.

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