The San Francisco 49ers' quest to stumble upwards toward mediocrity, reassert their once-proud tradition, and become something more than a gaggle of oversize, sweaty men wearing tight gold pants commences this weekend
Since beer goes with televised football as naturally as high-ankle sprains go with playing
football, SF Weekly
is happy to provide this handy drinking game for Sunday's contest at Arizona. As always, please behave intelligently and responsibly -- and take this with the grain of salt we'd expect of fans seasoned by following a team whose coach felt it was a useful motivational tool to drop his pants in front of his players. Take a small sip when
Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner mentions "God," "Jesus," or other such religious euphemisms or makes a religious gesture;
Clips are shown of the Cards' appearance in the last Super Bowl;
Clips are shown of San Francisco coach Mike Singletary making a somewhat unhinged rant;
Clips are shown of Singletary during his illustrious playing days;
Clips are shown of holdout 49ers receiver Michael Crabtree doing fuck all;
Arizona wideout Larry Fitzgerald is referred to as "great" "the best," or "classy;"
A long run by a 49ers back is quickly followed by praise for running backs coach Tom Rathman and a sideline shot of him.
Take a liberal sip when: Drink it down when:
Niners RB Frank Gore breaks off a run of 10 yards or more;
An announcer says any of the following words or phrases: "parity," "heighth," "focus," "[the] house," "game manager," "Wildcat," or "warrior."
The words "shadow," "respect," or "shine" are used when discussing Cards running back Tim Hightower;
Violent, war-like verbiage is used to describe 49ers' run-oriented offense;
Arizona party boy QB Matt Leinert is shown looking bored on the sideline;
49ers' WR Isaac Bruce is described as "ageless;"
Clips are shown of former San Francisco No. 1 draft pick Alex Smith failing repeatedly.
Leinert, Smith, or Nate Davis get any gametime at all; Brian St. Pierre
is mentioned, even for one fraction of a second;
The 49ers defense records a sack;
San Francisco's faux-throwback uniforms prompt clips of the Glory Days;
Any Tupac Shakur music is used as an intro or outro to/from commercials;
Michael Robinson lines up under center for San Francisco;
Visible heat waves are shown radiating off the field and/or the camera focuses on a sideline thermometer. Polish it off when:
Audible profanities find their way onto the broadcast;
A player incorporates pantomine text-messaging or other use of electronics into his endzone dance;
A helmet, shoe, or other article of clothing flies off a player's body;
An announcer, after a pregnant pause, states, "You hate to see that;"
A term in prison is described as "a learning experience" or "a wake-up call;"
Close-up on cheerleader with less-than blindingly white, perfect teeth;