Unfortunately, it was too late to give this advice to the packed house at the Independent in San Francisco Wednesday night. Everyone had already bought their $20 tickets. They were already drinking themselves silly before the empty stage soon to be overrun with air fuckers. And at that point, I, too was still hopeful that the show would be as hilarious as the concept seemed to promise.
"We want sex!" the audience began to chant, and Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" blared as the host of the evening, Chris Trew, presented himself. Shaggy and bearded in a white button down, he loosely resembled Jesus on a day at the office.
"This is not a fucking game, San Francisco," he said.
Trew then invited the judge, Joel Keith (pictured below), to the stage. "Now you may be wondering, how in the shit did he get this job?" Trew said. Well, he just happened to have fucked air better than anyone else at last year's competition, held in Austin, Texas.
First up, a contestant named Dick Oxygen in tighty-whities and a blood-stained shirt stole Keith's best move! He threw his imaginary partner into the air, and it looked like she landed hard. Why he had blood on him, nobody really understood.
"Are you a doctor?" Trew asked after the performance ended.
"A rapist!" an audience member shouted.
"Hey," Trew cautioned. "Doctors can be rapists, too."
Others thought it was supposed to be menstrual blood, but Dick Oxygen explained that he had been injured during the toss. Derivative. Weird. Next.
A man in a hotdog uniform, who called himself "The Footlong" fucked a tomato pinata for his full two minutes on stage.
Finally, a young woman who called herself Pandora's Box took the stage and did Air Sex right. She hadn't planned a thing. She hadn't even chosen her own music. She had no props. She simply pretended she was getting fucked, pretended to get bored, pretended to put on a strap on, and pretended to fuck the bejesus out of a pretend guy.
It was a simple concept with a story line, and Pandora's Box performed it with confidence. Had everyone else taken a similar approach, the Air Sex Competition could have been delightful. But because it was open to anybody, and most people who yearned to enter this air sex competition didn't seem familiar with what makes for good physical comedy, the show or at least the one in San Francisco, was a bust.
Pandora's Box, who is actually a teacher from San Francisco named Britt, won Wednesday night's competition handily. She'll be flown to a city yet to be determined for the finals, where she'll likely face some, uh, stiffer competition.