This is not pee-wee soccer. There are winners and losers in life. In the immortal words of Reese Bobby, "If you ain't first, you're last." So, we're chagrined to announce that San Francisco has been named first loser by Popular Photography Magazine in its "Most Photo-Friendly City" contest (that'd be second place).
Now San Francisco needn't win everything; perhaps it would have been better to not top the polls in Turbo Tax's recent rankings of Most Procrastinating Tax-Filing Cities (you got us). But coming second irks for a city that has been getting by on its looks for decades. Back in the olden days, San Francisco was The City That Knows How. Now we're the City That Knows How To Get By On Its Looks.
So, we'll do what all sore losers do. We'll ridicule the entire concept of victory and the composition of the photo-friendly list we failed to top. And it's not hard with a list like this:
1. Denver, Colo.;
2. The City That Knows How To Get By On Its Looks;
3. Austin, Texas;
4. Louisville, Kentucky;
5. Jacksonville, Fla.;
6. Seattle, Washington;
7. Fort Worth, Texas;
8. Philadelphia, Penn.;
9. Dallas, Texas;
10. San Jose (believe it).
We can take coming second to Denver. They've got the Rocky Mountains, free buses downtown, Original Coors runs through the drinking fountains, and John Elway cures the lepers every third Friday.
But you've got to scratch your head at a list of America's most camera-ready cities that includes both Fort Worth and Dallas, in addition to Jacksonville -- and San Jose. Look, San Jose is many things; it's a larger and far better-run city than San Francisco and, as we've noted before, it compensates for its palpable envy of San Francisco's effortless beauty by hoarding sports teams (So if you ever wanted to watch indoor soccer or lacrosse or professional glue-sniffing...).
But it's a stretch to declare San Jose more beautiful locale than the cities that, astoundingly, failed to crack this list: Chicago, New York, Boston, Miami, San Diego, and Santa Fe.
No, this was a silly contest. So it's okay we didn't win. It was silly, silly, silly. We can live with this. Deep breath, deep breath. We've still got it. We've still got it. We look good! We look great.