Last night, Comedy Central
finally aired the much-hyped Roast of Justin Bieber
. As we all know by now, roasts are an excuse for people to get together and say a bunch of (super-offensive, fucked up) shit to each other with none of the usual social or professional consequences. All things considered, the roasters spent so much time getting at each other (Snoop, for example, looks like “Shaq’s skeleton,” “dead Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,
” “a cool-ass salamander,” and
“a rejected Mortal Kombat
boss”), l'il Justin got off pretty lightly. But the assembled comedians and musicians (and Martha Stewart, for some reason) did provide some memorable moments. Here — so you don't have to sit through two hours of this nonsense — are each of their most jaw-dropping jabs at "the bitch of the hour".
“I lost my dad on 9/11. And I always regretted growing up without a dad. … Until I met your dad, Justin. Now I’m glad mine’s dead.”
“I know you’ve been on Ellen
14 times. You acted so much like a pussy on the show, Ellen tried to eat you.”
“Justin’s fans are called 'beliebers' ... because these days it’s considered politically incorrect to use the term 'retards'.”
"Justin Bieber has the voice of an angel. And he has the haircut and tattoos of a lesbian butcher. This shit is bad."
“I’m a police detective in the city of Miami. So, Justin, as a police officer of the law, I’m going to give it to you straight — which I know will be a new experience for you.”
“You literally are a guy who has it all ... Except respect, love, friends, good parents and a Grammy.”
"When [Kevin Hart] finally got his first big pay check, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget the term for that... It’s not “African-American rich’… It’ll come to me … Justin, you know the word...”
"Justin, you've released so many horrible and unwatchable videos, you should change your name to Vanilla Isis."
"You dainty wigger, you. They say that you roast the ones you love, but I don't like you at all, man. I'm just here because this is a really good opportunity for me... I don't like your music, man. I'm not a big fan of it. I listened to some of it. I'm not a fan. I don't like your music. I think it's bad. I think it's bad, man. I don't like it. I hate your music. I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy."
"Even when you went to Anne Frank's house, there were people waiting for you outside. I wish they'd been the same people that were waiting for Anne Frank... You said she'd have been a Belieber. But if Anne Frank could've heard your music, she'd have Ubered to Auschwitz."
[Surprise guest, Will Ferrell as] Ron Burgundy
: "People refer to Justin as a boy or a kid. But he's a man. A full grown man. Who works. And loves. And makes things with this hands. A man who sings songs for 9-year-olds and cuts his hair like a gay figure skater... Is there anything he can't do? In fact, I pulled my pants down and took a big creamy shit in the green room because I thought to myself 'That's how the Biebs would do it. Again, and again, and again ...'"
And the final word came from Justin Bieber:
"What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours."