"It sounds like a bunch of executives in the corporate world put it together. It really does not fit the theme of the Ninja Turtles' legend."
Vanilla Ice doesn't think much of Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa and Ty Dolla $ign's new Ninja Turtles theme tune.
"I'm told that your client has testified under oath in a deposition that he presented a former employee of Psychopathic Records with a glass dildo, who then allegedly gave the dildo to me? ...If he was joking then he's just an asshole who isn't funny. But if it was not 100% clear that he was attempting to make a joke, then he just lied under oath because I've never met your client, and if I had met your client I'd certainly remember if he tried to give me a glass fucking dildo... You're the types of lawyers that make America a worse place for everyone."
Kid Rock actually had nothing to do with Insane Clown Posse's legal case OR glass dildo, thank you very much.
"31 year old Zachary Swanson of Hebron was savagely beaten and nearly killed by two cohabitants... The suspects then attempted to forcibly carve a unique tattoo, consistent with the Juggalos Cult, from the victim’s arm. Unable to successfully remove the tattoo, the suspects doused the victim’s arm with a flammable liquid, set fire to it, severely burning and charring the same."
Insane Clown Posse's fans have been busy this week as well...
(Hebron, MD, police report
"I didn’t kill Jim Morrison. But I know who did... [Jean de Breiteuil] went to see Jim Morrison and killed him. I mean I’m sure it was an accident. Poor bastard. The smack was too strong? Yeah. And he died. And I didn’t know anything about this. Anyway, everybody connected to the death of this poor guy is dead now. Except me.”
Marianne Faithful is claiming her ex-boyfriend was responsible for Jim Morrison's death.
New York's Electric Zoo Festival has released a PSA in the hope of dissuading attendees from taking drugs this year:
"My father was in the army, stationed in Germany, when I was growing up, so I didn’t see him much. That gave me a lot to write about, and I explored the father figure theme in other ways too."
Weezer's next album,
Everything Will Be Alright In The End, was inspired by Rivers Cuomo's dad.
"For decades Weird Al has entertained fans, young and old, with his popular clever parodies and unique sense of humor. Having him headline the Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show... would remain true to the standards and quality of the show business we have come to love and respect out of this prestigious event."
A petition to get Weird Al Yankovic to play this year's Superbowl halftime show has over 70,000 signatures
"I’m on Mel Gibson’s side, Don Sterling’s side and anybody who has a racist rant privately... Black people do it, Jews do it, Christians do it — everybody does it! It’s called America. Free speech. Even if free speech insults other people. Privately. Publicly, that’s different. I’m on the side of free speech in the privacy of your own home... Big brother has finally crawled in bed with us."
We're not sure that Big Brother is the problem here, Gene Simmons...
(Wall Street Journal
"A fisherman in Russia was saved from death at the hands of a brown bear when his Justin Bieber ringtone scared the animal off."
And this week's greatest opening line of a news story goes to...
And finally, One Direction's new fragrance commercial is fucking ridiculous (and not in the way that they intended)