If you, like us, look at celebrity gossip even though you know it's pointless and vacuous and stupid and embarrassing, then you no doubt already know that Kanye West finally married his baby-mama/dress-up dolly over the weekend in what we're sure was a ridiculously lavish ceremony. (At least this one wasn't filmed for an E! special, like Kim Kardashian's last wedding.) Us Weekly and other publications have since reported details of a speech Yeezy allegedly gave after the knot was tied, and, from what we can gather from what the "eyewitness" reported, it was -- as with most things Kanye -- completely batshit crazy. Here are five highlights for your delectation and confusion.
1. Kanye called Kim the "ideal celebrity, the ideal art."
Hey, Kanye! You know you're married to a woman, right? Like, an actual, real, human woman? Because you're talking about her like you don't even know her. You're Warhol-izing her. We know it's easy to get confused about whether she's human or not when the woman in question only has one facial expression, zero discernible personality (unlike her oft-hilarious sisters), and at least two fake body parts, but Kim Kardashian recently birthed a child for you. Surely, on the day you commit to her for life, there are nicer things to call her than "ideal celebrity" -- maybe just "woman"? "Ideal woman"? That sounds more like what grooms say to brides at weddings, but, okay! You know best!
2. "They feel like it's okay to put you on the tabloid covers to sell your image, to use you in an SNL spoof..."
Hey, Kanye! You know who might be putting you and Kim on the tabloid covers to sell your image? Your mother-in-law! And you know what Kim does for a living? She sells an image! That's it! Nothing else! She wears clothes and goes places and allows cameras to film her doing it. As for the SNL spoof, that is not only par for the course when you're a successful musician (it's not like you've been singled out, bro), but actually a sign that you're doing well. So pat yourself on the back, quit pouting, go buy a sense of humor from Givenchy or wherever the hell you shop, and recognize that "Waking Up With Kim & Kanye" is basically the funniest running joke on that show right now.
3."At this table ... the combination of powers ... can make the world a better place ... the most remarkable people of our time"
Okay, so we don't know who exactly Kanye was referring to when he (allegedly)
said this, but unless Kimye had a special table at their wedding made
up of Barack Obama, Malala Yousafzai, Pope Francis, and the ghosts of Nelson Mandela and Steve Jobs, hyperbole doesn't even begin to make sense of that statement.
4."We are warriors! There is not one person at this table that has not had to defend us at some point or another."
Apparently, Yeezy was referring to a table of Kim's friends at the time. And while it's nice to recognize those in your inner circle who have had your back over the years, it's beyond crass to refer to the types of wealthy, pampered socialites that were no doubt at that table as "warriors." You know who deserve to be called warriors? People who are, or have been, in ACTUAL wars, doofus! And not just the kind of "public warfare" you're talking about, where the press says mean things and your buddies say mean things back in your defense. Ain't nobody getting PTSD from this nonsense. Sit down, Kanye, you're drunk.
5. "We're not stupid"
Nah, dude. You're "a God" and Kim is "art." Thanks for clearing that up, buddy.