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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Five Reasons Fred Durst Is the Worst

Posted By on Wed, May 7, 2014 at 9:28 AM

click to enlarge durst.jpg

Just in case any of you weren't 100 per cent sure that Fred Durst was a terrible human, the Limp Bizkit frontman has just signed on to direct -- of all things -- an eHarmony commercial. Because nothing says "take a risk" like a dating commercial directed by the oldest frat boy on earth. In honor of this horrifying event, we'd like to remind you of the worst things that Fred Durst has ever done. Behold the horror!

5. The Worst Lyrics of all Time

There are many contenders in Limp Bizkit's back catalog, but we really have to pause and reflect on the injustices of humanity every time we hear the band's breakthrough hit, "Nookie." Sample quote: "I did it all for the nookie, c'mon, the nookie, c'mon, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your, yeah!" We don't know where our "yeah"s are, but we don't want Fred Durst anywhere near them.

4. Bragging About Britney Spears

If you must hump America's sweetheart before she's even had a full-on public meltdown, don't fucking publicize it. Have some class. Seriously. If nothing else, just imagine how gross you're going to make Justin Timberlake feel. After Durst claimed to have had a surreptitious affair with Britters, she quietly mumbled "He's not my type" and hoped it would go away. It didn't. Because Fred Durst is exactly the kind of douche your mama warned you about. Lesson learned, America. 

3. Attacking Wes Borland in "Song" Form

If there was a wasted talent in Limp Bizkit (and we're not saying there was, necessarily), it was weirdo guitarist Wes Borland. For a while there, he really tried to get out of the frat house with strange side projects and experimental, almost Mike Patton-type music. Unsurprisingly, Limp Bizkit fans didn't really go for it, and regular people didn't want to listen to anything related to Limp Bizkit -- no matter how different it was -- so Wes eventually took a pay check and went back. But when Wes first announced to MTV in 2006 that things were "kind of up in the air" and that he hadn't "quit, but" that he wasn't "going to keep trying to breathe life into a dying animal," Limp Bizkit's MySpace page presented the above song, which contains many digs at Borland's other musical efforts. Not just childish -- mortifying ... because it's so terrible.

2. The "Behind Blue Eyes" Video

It's one thing covering one of the worst (seriously) The Who songs ever, but when you rope in Halle Berry to appear in the video and contractually oblige her to make out with you, it's beyond desperate. Here's Fred Durst, bathed in angelic light, and seducing a crying Oscar winner. Word of warning: there are many uncomfortable open-mouthed close-ups featured here, so approach with caution, or at least keep a bucket close by.

1. Woodstock '99

While nobody can blame Limp Bizkit for the atrocities committed against female crowd members at 1999's Woodstock Festival, it is true that at least one person was raped in the mosh pit during the band's set. Our beef is not with the fact that LB's rendition of "Break Stuff" was a bit too fiery that day (as various media outlets claimed), but rather that the festival organizers had, prior to the violence breaking out, asked Durst to say something to calm the crowd down in the midst of increasingly frightening behavior. So, what did he get on the mic and say? He said: "I don't think you should mellow out. Mellowing out? That's what Alanis Morrissette just had you motherfuckers do. Birkenstock rock, y'all. This is 1999, motherfucker! Take your Birkenstocks and stick them up your fucking ass!" It might have been 15 years ago now, but man, we really, really wish he'd tried a different angle.

-- @Raemondjjjj

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