By RYAN RITCHIE
Whoever scheduled Easter and 4/20 on the same day is a jerk who cares nothing about our physical and mental well-being. I mean, the average Easter is nothing more than a sprint to the chocolate bunny finish line, but add six joints, three bong loads, eight vapor rips and nine pipe tokes, and we're shutting down Cadbury, Hershey, and Ghirardelli.
Needless to say, today is going to be a slow one. Sadly, it's Monday, and Mondays aren't allowed to be slow. Just like some bearded dude in a robe who returned after three days to wherever he came from, we too need to rise again and enter that motherfucker known as the real world." Luckily, we have this thing called music to help get our lazy asses off the couch.
Descendents -- "I Like Food"
Listening to this 16-second song about "juicy burgers, greasy fries/turkey legs, and raw fish eyes/teenage girls with ketchup, too" is the equivalent of drinking 16 cups of coffee, which just so happens to be the exact number the band members consumed before recording this tune.
The Jezabels -- "Time to Dance"
It's been 36 hours (24 hours yesterday and 12 hours of sleep today) since you've gotten off the couch, so, yeah, maybe it's time to dance. As an added bonus, this song has a nice, comfortable pace that won't make you want to get back in bed.
Traams -- "Swimming Pool"
Yeah, a swimming pool does sound nice right about now. So do a distorted bass line and ambient vocals over a deep-grooving drum track.
System of a Down -- "Chop Suey!"
The first two words of this song are "WAKE UP!" As if that isn't enough to get you moving, singer Serj Tankian offers a few thought-provoking questions to really get that day started. However, thanks to yesterday's copious amounts of medicinal enjoyment, Tankian could ask what my middle name is and I wouldn't know.
Olivia Newton John -- "Physical"
After yesterday's debacle, we're gonna need to break a sweat. Before doing so, it would be rude not to answer John's request to let her hear my body talk. Since she asked, here's what it's saying: "Where are my glasses? Does anyone know what happened to every single item in my kitchen? And why do I have NASA's phone number written on my
forearm?" Wait, it's saying some more stuff: "Did I tell my sister's husband's creepy aunt to pass the bong instead of the butter? Is that a dog bite on my leg? Oh shit ... a chocolate ear!"