We just watched it. The horrible thing. Billy Ray Cyrus and some rapper named Buck 22 have attempted to recycle "Achy Breaky Heart," 1992's most embarrassing, inescapable hit, into a song for 2014, by adding a rap beat, a spaceship theme, and a lot of EDM squawks and squeals. Yes, we know how terrible that sounds. We watched it anyway, and now, quite frankly, we are broken. Stunned. Gobsmacked. Flummoxed. Thrown for a fucking loop.
Here are some of the questions underpinning our perplexedness. Can you help us answer them? We hope (for your sake) you can't, but, well:
1. What just happened?
2. Larry King is actually apologizing for this whole endeavor, his involvement in it, or both, right?
3. Wait, why was Billy Ray Cyrus wandering the Kentucky woods with young black boy again?
4. Is there really any guitar in this song, or is that white SG there to keep Billy Ray's hands off the women?
5. Is the line, "it happened 'cause I'd rather be lucky than good," actually the mission statement behind this project?
6. Wait, now there's a fiddle player, too? Can you hear any fiddle between those EDM squawks?
7. Are the acres of exposed, nubile flesh in this video meant to one-up Miley? Or to to somehow justify her nakedness by demonstrating that it's totally fine? Or to show that Daddy can still attract the company of women? Are those even women?
8. Can this please be an Internet hoax?
9. Is there a way to erase the last three minutes and 33 seconds from our memory?