Last night was the 56th Annual Grammy Awards: Three and a half hours of back-slapping and ass-kissing and sparkly outfits and singing and stuff. We sat through the entire thing so you wouldn't have to. These were the most outstanding moments of the evening.
1. Most Unintentionally Hilarious Performance
Never one to shy away from uncomfortably literal visual interpretations of her songs, Katy Perry took shit next-level last night with an absurdly earnest performance of "Dark Horse." She emerged in a sea of dry ice from a gigantic crystal ball, while dressed like a witch, surrounded by a team of very bendy goths, before doing battle with (no, really) an evil horse, and -- this was our favorite bit -- pole-dancing on a broomstick. Oh, and then she got burned at the stake. This shit was piss-your-pants funny.
2. Stand-Out Live Performances
It's not a collaboration we thought would work, but holy crap balls: Kendrick Lamar should employ Imagine Dragons as his backing band full-time (Queen Latifah rocked out so hard, she looked like she might pee her pants). Stevie Wonder, Daft Punk, Pharrell, and Nile Rodgers' collaboration made Beyonce run around in the audience and Yoko Ono freak out. And Pink did some crazy-intense acrobatic shit tens of feet over the Grammy audience, with no harness, no safety net, and no pants on. Then she literally picked up a dude. Because she is just that awesome. Also, Lorde killed it with an intense and super-charismatic rendition of "Royals," and Billie Joe Armstrong and Miranda Lambert joined forces for an Everly Brothers tribute (which was less weird than it sounds).
3. Weirdest Response to a Standing Ovation
Taylor Swift performed "All Too Well" at the piano, demonstrating a remarkable level of talent while also recreating the swimming pool sex scene from Showgirls. You know -- the one where there's a lot of thrashing about and head-banging in a contrived attempt to conjure up the appearance of genuine passion. Then, at the end, when she got a standing ovation, she gazed out at the audience with an expression so scornful, it reminded us of Sissy Spacek's face in Carrie right before she sets fire to the entire prom. You should work on that bitch face of yours, Swift. You know we can see you, right?
4. Most Heinous Fashion Errors
Pharrell's oversized brown-sunken-cake-turd-hat was a notable standout that made the entirely mute Daft Punk accepting an award in gigantic robot helmets look entirely reasonable. The adorable Kacey Musgraves decided to wear a lampshade. Oh, and Taylor Swift's stylist needs to quit dressing her as if she's a 45-year-old housewife from Little Rock who won a prize to get into an award ceremony.
5. Best Thing the Grammy Awards Have Ever Done. Ever.
When the war on homosexuality is still raging, and we're about to take part in a Winter Olympics held by one of the most fervently anti-gay countries on earth, it is a BIG FUCKING DEAL when a platform like the Grammy's decides to, oh, I don't know, have a pile of same-sex marriages take place right in the middle of the Awards. This shit was perfection -- after Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, and Mary Lambert had performed a beautiful rendition of "Same Love," Queen Latifah popped up and married everyone (!), then Madonna emerged and sang "Open Your Heart". Some straight couples got married too, but this was literally the gayest thing we've ever seen. And we mean that in the best way possible. What a spectacular middle-finger to homophobes. Thanks Grammy's.