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Friday, December 27, 2013

The Most Embarrassing Mall-Metal Songs of 2013

Posted By on Fri, Dec 27, 2013 at 9:48 AM

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There were a few wondrous metal albums released this year. But over on the histrionic Hot Topic side, there was just an unbelievable pile of twaddle. And we're not using the term 'unbelievable' lightly either -- some of this mall-metal stuff really does have to be seen to be believed. Welcome then, to the most embarrassing mall-metal songs of 2013.

"Alone," Falling in Reverse

Falling in Reverse takes all of the worst elements that have ever existed in the history of music and throws them all together, willy nilly, in a nightmarish mash-up. This lot started out almost entirely focused on bad 1980s cock rock haircuts, but have slowly developed into ... well we don't even know, because it changes every three minutes. Sometimes the band puts out straight-up, bouncy, cheesy pop-punk tracks. Other times, there's rap and synths and emo choruses and metal riffs and hardcore breakdowns and references to "Gucci sneaks." So let's just say that "Alone" is truly one of the worst songs of 2013. And if you listen to the lyrics, it gets 10 times worse.

"Battle Born," Five Finger Death Punch

On "Battle Born," Five Finger Death Punch sounds like a band that wants to be Tool, but isn't good enough to be Tool, doing a Bon Jovi cover. And not just "Wanted Dead or Alive" either -- we're pretty sure one of the lines on the chorus here was partially stolen from that song Jon Bon Jovi wrote for the Young Guns soundtrack. And stealing anything from the Young Guns soundtrack in this day and age is mortifying.

"In the End," Black Veil Brides

We're pretty sure that Black Veil Brides is what happens when a bunch of old record executives watch The Lost Boys five times too many and stumble across a wholesale discount on Mac makeup.

"Killing You," Asking Alexandria

Asking Alexandria is the type of band that puts women in vending machines for both music videos and record covers. It's the type of band that puts posh cars in its music videos as well, because nothing captures the true spirit of rock 'n' roll rebellion like a fucking Bentley. Asking Alexandria is the type of band that desperately wants to live in a musical landscape where men make (sub-standard) music and women are mindless sex objects with nothing to offer but tits and ass. And in terms of sexualizing images of brutality towards females, the video for "Killing You" is next-level excruciating. Their mothers must be so proud...

"Up in the Air," 30 Seconds to Mars

Oh, knock it off you pretentious assholes. How come Jared Leto is such a good actor, but still can't do a more convincing rock star impersonation? That shit's been bugging us for years.

-- @Raemondjjjj

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