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Monday, December 23, 2013

The Top 5 Most Sex-Obsessed Christmas Songs

Posted By on Mon, Dec 23, 2013 at 8:34 AM

click to enlarge baby_cold_outside_400.jpg

Christmas come-ons get funny, gross, creepy, and even creepier. One thing they always are, this time of year: present. Christmas songs, like so much pop music, are basically just coded ploys for sex, some far cleverer and more seductive than others. Here are five of the most libidinous Christmas classics, ranked from least to most creepy.

5. "All I Want for Christmas Is You," Carla Thomas

Oh, it sounds like a sweet, sincere love song, but listen closely and you'll get the sense Carla Thomas wants more in this slow jam than mere companionship. She plays it way cooler than the men on this list, but, "Let the kiddies have the toys/ the grown-ups make the noise" isn't too hard to figure out, is it?

4. "Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'," Albert King

"I don't care nothing 'bout no cake/ I want you to come in here woman before the children wake," leers blues great Albert King in this funky Stax single from 1974. The tune has such a buoyant, upbeat demeanor that you can't help suspect this, for Santa Claus, is the real meaning of Christmas.

3. "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," Snoop Dogg Ft. Nate Dogg

In the universe of this song, Santa doesn't deliver toys -- he delivers fat sacks of indo. But even while waiting for Saint Nick and his stash to arrive, Nate and Snoop make pretty clear that they're more interested in getting than giving: "The children were snuggled up, sleeping in bed/ My bitch on my jock, givin' holiday head."

2. "Back Door Santa," Clarence Carter

First there's the title: We'll just leave the implications of "back door Santa" to your imagination, because you see what we mean. Listen further, and this song is littered with innuendo: "I ain't like old Saint Nick/ He don't come but once a year"; "I make my runs about the break of day/ I make all the little girls happy while the boys are out to play." It's a rewrite of the classic woman-stealin' back door-lover song, but with a Christmas amount of winking thrown in.

1. "Baby It's Cold Outside"

Basically the creepiest, date-rapeiest, most despicable Christmas song of all time, this one isn't just about having a holiday libido. It's about the lengths that some skeeze will go to satisfy his ... no matter what the woman in his sights wants. As she tries to get away, he keeps coming up with reasons why he has to stay, feeding her drinks and putting on records. By the end, when she finally gives up on leaving and the holiday coitus is presumably imminent, you feel pretty gross about the whole thing.

-- @iPORT


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Ian S. Port

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