Remember Geri Halliwell? Also known as Ginger Spice? Also known as the one with the cleavage who wouldn't stop doing the peace sign? You may or -- more realistically -- may not have been wondering what the former Spice Girl was up to these days. Well, it turns out she's living down under, acting as a judge on Australia's Got Talent and attempting to revive her recording career. We say "attempting" because last week, Geri released her comeback single. It's called "Half of Me," and it only sold, in its first week, an astoundingly embarrassing 393 copies.
To put it another way, if everyone in the entire expanse of Australia who bought "Half of Me" came to San Francisco for a party, they wouldn't even fill the Independent. If they went to the Regency Ballroom, it would be half empty. And they could all fly here together, as one unit, on one 747.
So, how terrible is this song exactly? Oh, it's bad. Real bad. Spitting-on-one-of-Victoria-Beckham's-designer-dresses kind of bad. It's a pooping-on-Baby-Spice's-lap kind of confusing and kung-fu-kicking-Sporty-in-the-face kind of shocking.
Here's the video for "Half of Me". Brace yourselves.
Oh, we're sorry. We totally neglected to mention the fact that this is also ONE OF THE WEIRDEST VIDEOS WE HAVE EVER SEEN. What the shizz is going on in this thing? Token nod to gay marriage: check! Token sign language effort on the chorus: check! Token fat guy: check! Token alt girls: check! Token old lady who looks like her arms are about to get ripped off: check!
The scenes where Geri stands still with creepy-looking men and giant bears (Miley will be thrilled) on either side of her is like watching a lost tourist wander into the middle of the Folsom Street Fair, freeze in a moment of total panic, and then suffer the consequences. And then seconds later, Halliwell's bouncing around with small children. The overarching consequence of all of these images combined and set to music is a vague sense of nausea and a strong sensation of discomfort.
Like the video for it, "Half of Me" is utter nonsense. Not that we should be surprised -- Ms. Halliwell's solo career has been mostly cringe-inducing thus far. Songs like "Look at Me" (on which Halliwell barely stayed in tune) and (the entirely unnecessary cover of) "It's Raining Men" were fucking terrible. And then there was that borderline-offensive "Mi Chico Latino" song (ai-yai-ai!). But still, all of these musical atrocities sold well in Australia -- in fact, all three of those singles went Top 5 in Oz.
So how does a star go from consistent Top 5 songs to Number 281 on the singles chart? That's a leap so extreme that illegal downloads couldn't possible be the only reason. Perhaps Geri's original fans are just too old to rush out and buy her music now. Perhaps being on reality television isn't always a great career move. Or perhaps Geri should stick with her new day job and not try to milk a new music career out of it.
Halliwell was in the Spice Girls because of her strong personality and outspoken nature, not her vocal skills. Maybe she should embrace the former two and finally accept she has little by way of the latter.