Bruno Mars, the world's first human to be born with an airbrushed face, is performing at next year's Super Bowl halftime show. It will be terrible. But at least we will all have 15 extra minutes in which to sleep, eat, fornicate, go get more beer, or forcibly direct our gaze at anything other than the television, which will be broadcasting carcinogenic levels of twerpiness and a nauseating volume of winks. (Epileptics, just leave the room.)
Since 2014 is a guaranteed nuclear smugfest, it's only right right that the Super Bowl halftime performer should drastically improve come 2015. Which is why you need to sign this petition right now. Said petition is aimed at getting GWAR -- the costumed, charactered, phallus-wearing, weakling-decapitating lords of Halloween metal -- to perform at the Super Bowl in 2015. Which they sure as hell should do. Because the only possible way to make up for Bruno Mars performing at the Super Bowl in 2014 would be to have GWAR perform at the Super Bowl in 2015, preferably next to a tall spike holding Bruno Mars', pierced, lifeless, winking, airbrushed head*.
* Or, actually, a rubber impression thereof. Please note that we are NOT calling for the actual dismemberment/decapitation/death of Bruno Mars. Rather, the brutal destruction of a mask resembling him seems like the kind of thing GWAR does do, would do, and should do, especially at the Super Bowl, and for purely comical/entertaining reasons.