By RYAN RITCHIE
This Saturday is May 4, also known as Star Wars Day, since "May fourth" sounds very similar to "may the force," as in, "may the force be with you." This holiday allows fans to wear non-ironic Han Solo T-shirts in public without feeling like middle-aged schlubs. Star Wars Day is super fucking geeky -- in an awesome way, of course -- but there's a more cultish group that celebrates May 4 for a totally different reason. That group is Jawbreaker fans.
Taken from the title of the song "Sluttering (May 4th)," the Internet has dubbed May 4 Jawbreaker Day. Which is great. But there's one massive problem with Jawbreaker Day: No guidelines exist for how to celebrate the illustrious and now defunct San Francisco punk trio. Obviously, one should listen to the band's music -- but an iPod shuffle just isn't gonna cut it. No. We need rituals, dammit, the type that would make a guy in a Darth Vader helmet think, "Wow. That guy's a fucking nerd." Here then are 10 Jawbreaker songs that must be listened to on Saturday -- in this particular order -- and some specific instructions on how to celebrate when each one comes blaring through your speakers.
1. "Sluttering (May 4th)"
People who hate Dear You -- the album on which this song was released -- should be first in line when those rocket ships become available to take humans to Mars. I don't want to live on a planet where everyone (especially Jawbreaker fans) doesn't love this album. Is the 13-track record much more polished than its predecessors? Yes. Is that so wrong? Definitely not. Even if May 4 wasn't included in the title, "Sluttering" would still be the standout track. Rumor has it the song is about two of Schwarzenbach's exes becoming friends. This song, then, is his interpretation of that friendship. (See lines such as, "Slow dance alone with no one to the sounds of four hands clapping.") Under other circumstances, this wouldn't exactly be feel-good material, but it's May 4, so you have to begin with this one. It will make you bouncy and happy to celebrate a band that was absofuckinglutely flawless. And by the time the singer wails, "If you hear this song a hundred times it still won't be enough," you're gonna hate those two exes as much as Schwarzenbach does.
As you listen to this song, copy and paste these words into an email and send them to the band members: "Dear Jawbreaker, we, we, we, we, we, we, we want you. To come back. To tour. To write new songs. You were the soundtrack to our fucked-up teens and 20s, but now we are lost and we need you to show us the path to enlightenment. We are struggling in our 30s and 40s because you are not here to guide us. Please, put aside whatever it is getting between you and a stage and do it. For us. For you. For mankind." If the bandmembers won't reunite after getting 1,800 emails like that, we're all screwed.
3. "Chesterfield King"
It should be fairly obvious what to do during this one. But rather than smoking just one cigarette to this, why not suck down the entire pack? The song is a mere three minutes and fifty-five seconds long, so not everyone will finish. We call those people "posers."
4. "Friends Back East"
When Schwarzenbach's friends ask him what he's done with his life, he tells us he's "just a little too strung out to lie." For celebrators, then, "Friends Back East" is a two-fer. First, do drugs. Doesn't matter what kind. Just do them. Then, when you are good and high, start calling friends (preferably back east) and don't you dare lie when they ask why you called them only to nod off every three minutes. If they don't get it, cut them out of your lives completely, since, obviously, they aren't Jawbreaker fans.
5. "Lurker II: Dark Son of Night"
The second line in this song is, "Have sex a lot." Okay.