Here at All Shook Down, we're not always entirely united in our nominations for worst new song of the week. Sometimes, suggestions are made, eyebrows are raised, and discussions occur. Sometimes, it's just not entirely clear who sucks the most. This week, however, is not one of those weeks. Because this week, One Direction released one of the most sickening song/video combos we
have ever born witness to. It's called "Kiss You" -- and it hurts us in the face.
When this thing emerged, we knew there was a problem because of what it did to our
usually measured editor, Ian Port. After only a few brief moments of watching the video concept for "Kiss You," he glanced up, brow furrowed, demeanor disturbed, aghast, and said simply: "The idea of having a film crew film a fake film
crew is making me sick to my stomach." Indeed, it should make us all a little nauseated. Prepare yourselves,
ladies and gents, for here is the aural and visual atrocity that is One Direction's "Kiss You":
Now, we don't mind admitting that we are not 100-percent opposed to One Direction. They seem like nice enough boys. They've all got beautiful hair. And that one song they did -- the "What Makes You Beautiful" one -- that was catchy. We understood the appeal of that one. But "Kiss You" is some of the laziest pop songwriting we have ever heard.
It's like every obvious, upbeat, boy band single in the history of mankind got mashed together and rolled into a giant ball of hyperactive cliches about touching and slowing things down and looking so good from your head to your feet and shouting things out and yea-ee-ee-yea-ee-ee-yea-eah. Then one of them makes a Three Little Pigs reference about "chin-ee-chin-chins" that isn't supposed to be creepy, but definitely is. "Kiss You" is so utterly exasperating from start to finish, it's exhausting to even think about, after the fact.
Oh. And for the record, we don't get the video. We understand that they're supposed to be, like, making some kind of Monkees-esque show, with some Elvis and Beatles stuff thrown in (that's not insulting <---- sarcasm), but how do you go from the ski-slope to the surf, with a prison in between, before you all become sailors? It makes zero sense. And why is Taylor Swift's new ex-boyfriend (another one!) tweaking the nipples of his bandmate when they're on that motorcycle? What's that about? And are Harry's tattoos real or did someone just draw on him with a Sharpie? (Somebody please confirm that those are only done in Sharpie?)
We understand that (some) teenage girls and (some) homosexual boys need pop nonsense like this to cheer up their days, but surely the music doesn't have to be this maddening? Watching this for the first time, the same thought popped into our heads over and over again: "Aren't they embarrassed by this?" Because, Lordy, we sure are.