If you, like us, have been desperately trying to ignore the tedious novelty bullshit that is PSY's "Gangnam Style" since it emerged back in September, then you can probably sympathize with the sheer horror we experienced last Sunday while watching the American Music Awards. PSY pranced on stage, ridiculous and deeply aggravating as always, to close the show with his smash hit single. As the pony dancing spread throughout increasingly self-conscious-looking members of the audience, we thought to ourselves grimly: "This is literally the worst thing we have ever seen."
But we were wrong, because a moment later, the unthinkable happened: MC Hammer arrived and "Gangnam Style" got mashed up with "2 Legit 2 Quit".
(And, for the record, that's one of the most painful sentences we've ever had to type.)
If you haven't already subjected yourselves to this, please tread carefully. This thing should never have been broadcast without the kind of warnings they flash up on TV before The Walking Dead comes on: "This program contains content which may be too intense for some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised." Why isn't there a warning for things that are intensely embarrassing as well? Okay. Let's just get it over with.
I mean, it was there staring us in the face the whole time. How could we not have noticed the fact that PSY was wearing Hammer Pants? In hindsight, it's all so obvious. We should've seen it coming, but we didn't, because all we were thinking about at the time was the fact that each and every dance-craze single in history has resulted in the artist responsible being relegated to one-hit-wonder status. This is what we were comforting ourselves with when Hammer arrived.
Please note: the reason we have to comfort ourselves during anything PSY-related is because of his sheer, unbelievable popularity. The video for "Gangnam Style" has been viewed almost a billion times on YouTube. That, ladies and gentlemen, isn't just horrifying, it's terrifying. Is this really the kind of soulless, vacuous music people want to listen to? Apparently so. And that is so deeply disheartening on so many levels, we don't even know where to start.
Anyway, then Hammer arrived. We need to take a step back at this juncture and actually say a couple of nice things (believe it or not). First of all, how insanely well has MC Hammer aged? It's ridiculous! Has he just been sealed in bubble wrap for the last two decades? Dude looks the same! It's an enigma. Also, props to Hammer for being a 50-year-old man who still moves like a 20-year-old. He made all those white dudes in suits trying to dance in the front rows look even worse.
Hammer's beauty and fitness regime aside, this thing... this remix... this onslaught of badness... should never have happened. Not just because being subjected to this once was extraordinarily painful, but because since they had such a great time together, PSY and Hammer have started collaborating on new material. Never in our wildest dreams did we think something so dastardly could occur in the world of music.
What this means is that, not only will we be getting MC Hammer back in our ears on the regular, we're also likely to get material from PSY that retains enough of a novelty factor to keep him on our radios and TV screens. Is "Gangnam Style vs. 2 Legit 2 Quit" the worst new song of the week? Yes. Of course it is. But it's only set to get worse from here. Please PSY-Hammer, don't hurt us.