Dear Billie Joe,
I've noticed lots of people on the interwebs talking about how "punk" your recent actions were, so I'm writing you a letter to clear some things up. First and foremost, I think it's important to remind you and everyone out there that there are only two kinds of people in this world: punks and non-punks. You chose your side a long time ago.
So shut your nasally little mouth for one second, and take some advice from a real punk, Mr. Been Around Since 1988. Because I might be half your age, but I have more punk in my pinky finger than you have in your entire body.
There is nothing punk about having a drunken divalicious breakdown at the iHeartRadio Festival because your set was too short. They probably only gave you one more minute because they knew that your new song "Oh Love" was coming up, and let's face it -- no one wants to hear that shit.
One minute is supposed to be the duration of a punk song, not the length of your temper tantrum YouTube clip, Billie.
Oh what's that? You aren't Justin Bieber? Of course you aren't, silly! Everyone knows Bieber has a much better haircut. Also, I think Rihanna was actually up next, not the Biebz. Wait, it was Usher who cut into your time, right? You are the company you keep, buddy. [Ed. note: Green Day reps say that the band's time wasn't cut short, contrary to some press reports.]I'm sorry, though -- maybe I've misunderstood what you were trying to imply with that statement. Because you sound like the drunken relative people do their best to avoid at a holiday party. Are you trying to say you are more rebellious than Bieber?
Is it rebellious to smash your guitar on stage in front of a bunch of soccer moms at an event designed to promote Clear Channel's new smartphone app? I'll let you figure that one out. But I do know that you handled Vegas like a sorority girl on her 21st birthday. That's not rebellious, it's just embarrassing.
Speaking of females, can you please ask your designer, John Varvatos, why he dresses you up like a 14-year-old girl who is angry at her father? I mean if you are going the girly route, can you at least get back in touch with your roots and rock a belly shirt like The Ramones?
Next: A hardcore alternative to rehab.