Kreayshawn's contribution to Western culture is one classic line: "One big room/ Full of bad bitches." It's still awaiting its hot song. Her success is somewhere between William Hung and Jesse Camp and the 8th Street Kidz. She's an eliminated contestant without a reality show. From her phenomenally ugly name to her phenomenally ugly album cover, I only wish her tastelessness was a joy. I wish she could prove heads wrong about white and female rappers. I wish she had merit. But this album stands as much of a chance of being good as Spike Lee stands a chance of endorsing V-Nasty.
"Can't hear haters/ Blasé blasé" is cheerful motto from someone almost certain to go down as one of the worst-selling artists in Columbia history. The beat is Missy Elliott's "Lose Control" as arranged for FruityLoops, with verses speed-rapped in order to capitalize on Azealia Banks, who smokes Kreayshawn like bratwurst. We're not supposed to care about this kind of stuff anymore, but she rhymes "numbers" with "number." I assume she can't hear me.
"Ch00k Ch00k Tare"
This one's completely indistinct except for the truly random lines in Russian about a "devotchka" followed by a "rushin'" pun and eventually -- bingo cards out if you please -- "Give that bitch a bone and take her ass home." The beat is a mess. Did Columbia even fund this thing?
There's a legit chance Kreayshawn did not notice that the first three songs on her album have two-word titles. This is the one she's "famous" for, which means Lil Wayne jacked the pretty-good beat and you might even remember small details in five years -- her glittery Minnie Mouse ears in the video, or the "swag pumping out my ovaries" line, or the Nicki Minaj outtake-level Arby's diss. Remember the Product G&B, those sweet singers on Santana's Supernatural hit "Maria Maria"? Their album got shelved, was never released. Back in the day, this is the kind of album that would've never come out.
"Sweetie" and "bikini" don't rhyme, "Hawaii" and "high" just induces a cringe, and if you're playing a drinking game involving the words "bitch" or "haters," your keys are getting taken away four tracks in. Is this song supposed to be "fun"? "Light"? I think it's about her stealing your girlfriend to take her camping or something. The much-booed V-Nasty is on this one. God, what an asshole.
Finally a track worthy of Kreayshawn's troll potential. This manages to exhume Left Eye (I'm open) and Amy Winehouse (ugh) for crucial metaphors on a madcap tale of revenge on a cheating boyfriend, with a catchy chorus that's not at all assuaged by its "Rest it peace!" chants. It's updated for the viral generation of course ("I find it odd that your Twitter page is private"), though not too up to date (this album's unlikely to toss off a better line than "I'm Lorena Bobbitt chillin' in your bed/ I'm Britney Spears on hella drugs and I just shaved my head"). The beat sounds like classic Lex Luger/creepy Gucci. Might keep this one -- at least it's an inspired attempt to disgust.
"Like It or Love It"
Kid Cudi's so weird with these almost-rock songs, but this is B.A.D. Music for sure. She rips off Nicki again ("All you bitches is my bastards") and shoots for the Juggalos ("I'm dope/ You're on dope get it") over a one-note melody that isn't likely to cross over.
"Oop, I didn't read your Tweet cuz I was making money." Maybe we should add "Tweet" to the drinking game list. This is a dance track, though her budget doesn't even cover Auto-Tune, which means "Kreaysonic" is a state of sound most conducive to low bit rates. "All them haters ask me what I'm doing/ I just simply tell 'em Kreaysonic" isn't a possible sentence.
God, her cadence is so annoying. This is an awfully banal pop song. What would she do if you're her best friend? Go to the movies, smoke some doobies, or just hang out and do whatever you like! New ground for pop? No, not even a new updated way to say it. She's not even satisfyingly obnoxious. She's just... what is she?
Diplo would suck a dollar out of a cactus' dickhole.