The MTV Video Music Awards is an annual occasion for thrill and intrigue. An arena for a slutty young Madonna to writhe around the ground in a wedding dress, or even for a slutty old Madonna to French kiss a couple of aging pop tartlets. A place for pyro and pasties and grand interruptions -- I'mma let you finish, but Beyoncé had the greatest video of all time.
Alas, nothing much like that happened at this year's show, even though Taylor Swift did stage dive for the finale, yo. She's edgy.
The show was largely snoozeworthy, and you will be handsomely rewarded for conveniently forgetting to watch this year. However: We managed to dig up the lost categories and winners that didn't make it to the broadcast, and present them here for your consideration without product placement. Note that it wasn't just the token EDM category that got screwed over and left un-aired.
Best Private Moment of Shade Made Public
As Drake and Lil Wayne make their way to the stage to collect the award for Best Rap Video, the camera cuts to an angelic Rihanna, clad in white, who is chatting with her friend Katy Perry. Now, we're no miracle lip readers, but she seems to distinctly say, "these assholes."
We're not the only one who caught this awesomely bitchy quip, either. Within an hour of the first airing of the program, there were already more than 32,000 views for this reaction video posted to Worldstar Hip-Hop. They reckon she said, "I can't stand these assholes," but take a look and see what you think.
Most Illicit Body Language
Every time the camera cuts to Rihanna's asshole throughout the night, which is a whole lot, he's rubbing his nose. A whole lot. Just sayin'. YOLO!
Unintentional Comedy Award
"The artist who's about to take the stage inspired artists like me to be true to ourselves, sing from the heart, and be individuals" -- Miley Cyrus rocking her new par-shaven, platinum blonde haircut while introducing Pink, who's rocking a par-shaven, platinum blonde haircut.
Most Genuine Moment from a Manufactured Group
British boy band One Direction, who were assembled on the UK version of Simon Cowell's The X-Factor in 2010, swept the pop music categories. It's truly touching to see how much Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike -- er, Justin, JC, Chris, Lance, and Joey -- or, rather, Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry, and Louis -- profusely thank their fans for their support (as well as their unwaveringly loud vocal chords). The guys have so much excitement that they actually break one of their three Moon Men.
Fashion was a noticeable afterthought this year all around, but Aussie actress Rebel Wilson let it all hang out when presenting an award in a T-shirt dress depicting a garish bikini and a lawn that needs a bit of mowing. Not since Lil Kim's single floral pasty has such a wonderfully cartoonish display of flesh been on a VMA stage.