On the surface, San Francisco appears to be a complicated beast of alternative subcultures, underground groups, and distinct communities. Truth is though, there's only one truly definitive divider between all of us -- Burning Man. You either want to pay hundreds of dollars to go get covered in sand and hippie dust in the desert while dressed like a moronic Mad Max extra, or you don't. And for those of us who think Burning Man is the most pretentious and obnoxious gathering of regressed adults on Earth, it's easy to be deeply irritated by everything that is going to happen in Nevada next week. But fear not, San Francisco Burner-haters, we've discovered a bright side. Here are five ways San Francisco gets better during Burning Man.
1. Adult Hula-Hooping Numbers Vastly Decrease
If the adults who hula-hooped in public did so merely for exercise, or a challenge, we totally wouldn't mind. We'd be all "Oh look! There's a grown human whose childhood kinda sucked, so they're making up for it now! Good luck to you!" But no. The grown ups hitting the parks of this fine city of ours, avec plastic circle, never hoop in a manner that screams anything other than: "Look at me, world! Look how my hula hoop sparkles in the sunshine! Look how I am one with the circle of life! Look how free and sexy I am!" Newsflash, dicks, hula hooping makes you the opposite of sexually attractive -- it makes you look like an overgrown five-year-old who can't put its midriff away. So, non-Burners, let's all enjoy the fact that next week, we can all go to Dolores Park without having to bear witness to this affected nonsense.2. No Unicycles in the Bicycle Lanes
Anybody who traverses San Francisco via the medium of bicycle will tell you that the only thing more annoying than getting stuck behind suit-guy-on-a-Segway
downtown is stumbling across idiot-on-a-unicycle in the Mission. Yes, yes, you've only got one wheel -- we get it, very clever. But your wobbly ass insisting on using a circus novelty act as a valid means of transport is wholly annoying for anyone else forced to share the road with you. Enjoy the desert this week; we'll enjoy our lovely, unencumbered bike lanes. 3. Risk of Smelly Dreadlock Contact Drastically Reduces
Yesterday, beloved San Francisco DJ Richie Panic
Tweeted: "Touched by a dreadlock." We don't know the context of the Tweet, but as people who are all too familiar with getting whipped in the face by crusty 'locks on Haight buses, we are amused. Accidental physical contact with a strangers' dreadlocks is about as pleasant as finding someone else's hair in your lunch. Not all dreadlocks are gross, not all dread-wearers are unwashed. But some of them are. And chances are they'll be at Burning Man next week, which means rush hour on Muni just got a little less stressful.