Our sea legs are still a little shaky from the news earlier this week that Coachella, the annual bare midriff convention of Indio, Calif., is going on a cruise. But then we thought the Bruise Cruise was totally weird. And actually, a cruise boat where Pulp plays and you get to go wine-tasting with James Murphy sounds completely rad. Anyway, since music festival cruises are going to be a thing now, we did a little free brainstorming on what the floating versions of other notable gatherings could be like. Welcome aboard:
Outside Lands: Barbary Coast Edition
This combination pirate-and-pioneer-themed edition of the San Francisco festival takes place on a 1840s sailing ship that sails around San Francisco Bay and out to the Farallones. Food will be a big deal, so grab artisan rum cocktails, hand-cured salt pork (tempe for the vegetarians), and old vine Zin wine while watching bands perform either on the Deck Stage up top, or in the Bilge Stage down below, where Furthur will be playing an all-acoustic show. Secret Skrillex set in the captain's stateroom (hey, he already looks like a pirate!), where you can only afford to sit if you're an exec at Twitter. The bison on board is for looking, not eating, people. And it turns out Ranger Dave looks great in an eye patch.
Bonnaroo on the River
Come cruise on a large-scale Mississippi barge with lots of straw and even a mini petting zoo, because it's not Bonnaroo without a farm. There's a big stage at one end where My Morning Jacket will play for three days straight, with footage streaming via "Jambotron" (did we just make that up?) into every burlap and hemp-trimmed stateroom. Diversions include fishin', swimmin', and markin' twain. Free corncob pipes issued to all attendees.
The prettiest music fest of all moves from the Gorge to the S.S. Greenhorn, an early 20th-Century steamship headed for the former goldfields of Alaska. Performers will include the Decemberists, Fleet Foxes, and anyone else whose beard is deemed long enough. Your ticket comes with a complimentary flannel -- real, warm flannel, not those sissy versions they wear in the Lower 48. Nonmusical activities include demonstrations in gold-panning, salmon canning, and, of course, knitting. Those who don't enjoy singing sea shanties are encouraged not to attend.
Tour the scenic ports of Lake Michigan's Rust Belt while watching all your favorite '90's bands -- Jane's Addiction, Green Day, Soul Asylum -- on board the The Wind, a former coal freighter converted into a luxury cruiser. Guest menus to be designed by amateur chef/legendary producer Steve Albini, who will also be leading a workshop on Hilariously Caustic Shit-Talking. For a break from the guitar bands, why not attend the keynote lecture on moral superiority from Billy Corgan? Or learn how to juke in the onboard disco? You won't develop a cute Chicago accent or get to photograph beautiful, decaying steel mills while sunning yourself in the Caribbean -- but you will on Lake Lollapalooza!