You know everything that's ever been memorable about Madonna? The dunce-cap bustiers, the dry-humping of various taboos, the deeply remunerative pop-sexual controversies? Oh, and all those great songs?
"In honor of the One who saved me, I now write about this woman who has been used willingly since 1983 by satan and the New World Order elites to further their endtime agenda."
Dames made that claim this Friday, in 4000 word post titled "Madonna's New Age End Time Satanism...It is reappearing in these end days. IT DID NOT BEGIN WITH THE SUPERBOWL." That title's a good one, as it clears up a question most reasonable people have been asking since Madonna's Super Bowl appearance: "That cheerleader routine wasn't the first time that Madonna was clearly promoting the literal biblical devil, was it?"
Of course, Dames' idea of satanism is an impossibly broad one that considers unholy the reverence of anything not directly related to her idea of Christ. So, the fact that Madonna has, over the years, presented herself as something of an icon worthy of devotion means that, yeah, of course she's satanic. So is every popular musician ever, as well as most preachers and Rick Santorum.
But that's enough serious talk! Let's enjoy the most batshit of Dames' claims. For brevity's sake, we'll omit her complaints about Madonna's support for gay rights or her interest in Kaballah, but rest assured Dames equates Kaballah -- and any interest in anything spiritual -- as straight-up devil worship of the sort that fool Geraldo once pretended was America's biggest trouble.
Before Madonna became famous, she appeared in the low-budget film A Certain Sacrifice. Dames observes, "By no mere coincidence in the filming of this movie, Madonna and two others are seen in the back of a limo with the sunroof open as she loudly sings the lines, 'Let the sunshine in' from the new age satanic 60's group The Fifth Demension [sic]."
On American Bandstand in 1984, Madonna told Dick Clark that her ultimate career goal was "to rule the world." Dames sighs, "Very few paid attention."
In the not-bad movie Desperately Seeking Susan -- "a supposed comedy," Dames sniffs -- "We see Madonna wearing a jacket supposedly owned by the late Jimi Hendrix, who admitted to those close to him he believed he was demon possessed. The Eye of Horus over the pyramid is clearly shown on the jacket and this would be Madonna's first public homage to the Illuminati."
According to unnamed "biographers," "she has had abortions in the double digits."
An image of "known occultist" Elvis Presley, who was "fond of satanic theosophist Madame Blavatsky," appears in Who's That Girl? Instead of spitting at the image of Elvis and denouncing it as unholy, Madonna kisses it. Even more shocking: Dames has seen Who's That Girl?, apparently.
In her video for her remake of "Fever," Madonna is "enveloped in a flame-like atmosphere" where "She sticks her tongue out demonically wearing a crown headdress and posing herself like the ancient goddesses she tries so hard to emulate."
On The Girlie Show Tour, "During the "Justify My Love" number, Madonna and crew are seen in Mad Hatter attire similar to Alice in Wonderland. Black and white masonic checkerboards appear in background and on floor."
Madonna strikes "the infamous 666 pose" in the video for "Frozen." Of course, that pose is really just "the yoga pose-thumb meets first finger," but the devil is always rubbing fingers to thumbs because it feels so deliciously evil.
"In her Confessions Tour, Madonna mocks the Lord Jesus Christ by singing 'Live To Tell' on a disco themed cross, wearing a crown of thorns on her head."
Okay, actually, we'll give you that one, Dames. But I have to point out that "Live to Tell" is far and away the most underrated Madonna song.
Madonna's newest album is titled MDNA. This fact inspires Dames' most thorough analysis:
The LORD GOD of the Bible is referred to in spelling as YHWH or JHVH. In medical terms mDNA means mitochondrial DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid). This was quite significant in part of the human genome discovery in unraveling the 'mysterious' scientific code of life. It is quite obvious that Madonna has been trying to acheive the same thing satan and many others have for ages: to be recognized and worshipped as God.
Anyway, Dames goes on like that for thousands and thousands of words, just like the easily outraged used to about Madonna way back in the 80s and 90s. Please, nobody tell her that this is EXACTLY WHAT MADONNA WANTS.
Thanks to SF Weekly contributor Beth Winegarner for tipping me off to this!