The 54th Annual Grammy Awards happened yesterday. Which we're sure you know already. If you missed it, however, you may have missed some of the weirdest details. So here, for your convenience, is a timeline of events. Get comfortable, 'cause this thing was a three-and-a-half-hour carnival of absurdity. Let's relive it.
0:13 "Get off your rich asses!" Mars shouts at the audience before doing James Brown splits. We like him very much.
Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt hit the stage. They give shout outs to
both Whitney and Etta James before going into "Sunday Kind of Love." This really does feel like a (really, really glamorous) wake.
Adele wins Best Pop Solo Performance for "Someone Like You." Well, duh!
She's sitting in the front row. That means she'll probably be up and
down off that stage tonight like a beautiful Cockney yo-yo.
The entire room gleefully cheers for an arrogant woman-beater who
doesn't even have the decency to sing live. We'd hate him even if this
song wasn't predictable pop hogwash (which it is, unsurprisingly). Fuck
0:36: Fergie and Marc Anthony present the Best Rap
Performance award. It's like the producers wanted to get the most
annoying faces in the room out of the way early on (Jay-Z and Kanye win
for "Otis," in case you care. They don't -- neither of them are here).
Reba introduces a Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean duet. We'd say we'd
forgotten how great Kelly Clarkson's voice was. But we didn't. Because
we love her. (Don't tell anyone.)
0:47 Jack Black introduces
Foo Fighters performing "Walk" in a tent outside the Staples Center. It
looks and sounds exactly as you imagine it does. Gosh, they're
0:56 Hey, Rihanna! 1980's Tina Turner called! She
wants her wig back! "We Found Love" is awesome though -- especially
with all these dancers stomping about the place.
1:00 Chris Martin from Coldplay arrives with an acoustic guitar and starts singing...
1:06 ...Wait. What just happened? We fell asleep for a minute (or six).
1:14 Chick from NCIS (or one of those shows) arrives with a salsa-doing football player. Shit just got really uncomfortable.
Best Rock Performance goes to the Foo Fighters. This outcome is as
predictable as that performance 28 minutes ago. Grohl gets cut off
before he's finished his speech. Whoops!
1:18: Maroon 5 start a
Beach Boys tribute thing. Adam Levine sings "Surfer Girl" like it's about his dead grandmother. Way, way too earnest, buddy. Especially
given the fact that you're surrounded by clumsily placed surfboards.
Oh crap. Now Foster the People has joined in. The singer looks like
he's literally shitting his pants right now. And even that doesn't make
1:21 Ryan Seacrest turns into an even bigger
sycophant than usual while introducing The Beach Boys. When Adam Levine
joins in with the awesome old men on "Good Vibrations" he looks
like he's crapping his pants. Crap pants party!