Yesterday, we had to walk away from our desks and go and sit in a darkened room for an hour to mourn the fact that exploitative, sick-fuck-dom just got taken to a whole new level by three separate groups of people, operating together as a sort of bloated super-leech. Prepare to wrinkle up your face in disgust as we tell you that a website called Online Gambling Pal recently purchased some of Michael Jackson's hair (for $10,871) and is -- in a move that even Elvis' jumpsuit designer would probably call tacky -- turning it into a roulette ball.
According to the website, "The sample of hair was collected at New York's Carlyle Hotel, where Jackson had been staying while attending a charity event." Collected? What does that mean? Fished out of a drain after he'd left? Picked out of carpets and trash cans? Did they have a team of maids crawling around on their hands and knees frantically searching for strands of M.J.? Based on the photo of the hair sample, it seems pretty likely.
appropriately unique way to immortalize a small part of a truly peerless
That might be the least appropriate use of the word "appropriate" we've ever seen. There is absolutely nothing appropriate about any of this lunacy.
Online Gambling Pal goes on: "The ball itself will be made to the highest professional standards, ensuring it will be eligible for use at any licensed casino's
roulette table. Indeed, considering Jackson dedicated his life to
entertaining millions, the prospect of this very special ball
captivating crowds at roulette tables seems like a fitting use for it." Actually, gambling weirdos, the fitting thing to do with a ball of discarded hair is to -- pay attention, because this part may actually blow your sick little minds -- discard it. Flush it, trash it, get rid of it, it's gross.