Well, it's official. According to the FBI's National Gang Threat Assessment for 2011, Juggalos -- those loud-mouthed, clown-faced, Insane Clown Posse-loving idiots -- are a real live gang. They're listed as a "Non-Traditional" gang on the Contents page, but they're a gang nonetheless. And if you read this thing, the FBI is clearly genuinely concerned about the crimes this moronic team of face-painters are committing around the country. And here we were thinking they were just simpletons with a love of terrible, terrible music and playing dress-up!
According to the report, Arizona, California, Utah, and Pennsylvania already recognize Juggalos as a gang. The report also states that "Transient, criminal Juggalo groups pose a threat to communities due to the potential for violence, drug use/sales, and their general destructive and violent nature." In addition: "Open source reporting suggests that a small number of Juggalos are forming organized subsets and engaging in gang-like criminal activity, such as felony assaults, thefts, robberies, and drug sales."
Well, if this video is anything to go by -- aside from talk of a stabbing early on -- these Juggalos all seem like harmless imbeciles to us. Harmless imbeciles on tons of drugs, but pretty harmless nonetheless. How scary can you possibly be when you're yelling "woop-woop" every three seconds?
We will say that if you read the FBI report, it seems like it's the Juggalos' general penchant for boneheaded-ness that the Bureau is most concerned about: "Most crimes committed by Juggalos are sporadic, disorganized, individualistic, and often involve simple assault, personal drug use and possession, petty theft and vandalism," it says. It also refers to their "disorganization and lack of structure."
Then it says -- and this is the real giveaway that sheer idiocy is afoot -- "In January 2010, two suspected Juggalo associates were charged with beating and robbing an elderly homeless man." Um. Who robs old homeless men? Hey, Juggalos! Homeless people don't have anything! That's why they're homeless! Jeez, Louise, what did you get? A bag of empty bottles? An old blanket? These people have zero common sense!
So are Juggalos a gang? Or are they just stupid? We probably think it's more of the latter. Insane Clown Posse isn't the first band to have a really committed, obsessive fan base, and it won't be the last. These fans just happen to love a band with a lot of hateful, offensive and downright dumb lyrics that encourage fans to think that behaving in a manner as animalistic as possible is the coolest thing on Earth. It's no wonder ICP attracts violent knuckle-draggers.
The problem is that, as the FBI's own website states, "Some 20,000 violent street gangs, motorcycle gangs, and prison gangs
with nearly one million members are criminally active in the U.S. today.
Many are sophisticated and well organized; all use violence to control
neighborhoods and boost their illegal money-making activities, which
include robbery, drug and gun trafficking, fraud, extortion, and
That sounds far more organized and expansive than anything the collective brain power of the Juggalos could muster. We're not defending their idiotic criminal activity, we're not defending their musical preferences, and we're not defending their fashion choices. We are, however, wondering if the FBI hasn't got something better to do than chase Juggalos. And we're pretty sure the cops could handle this lot on their own -- it's not like Juggalos are hard to spot, after all.