Since Monday, media everywhere has been agog at the news that Kim Kardashian and her husband of just 72 days are getting divorced. If you ask us, that union was doomed from the get-go. Anyone who watches Keeping Up With The Kardashians knows that those two barely even knew each other (Not that we watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians or anything! Ahem!) Moving on, here are eight music-related divorces that we actually are genuinely upset about:
Ben Gibbard & Zooey Deschanel
When the cutest couple in indie-dom announced their split yesterday, we got She & Him's rendition of "Sentimental Heart"
stuck in our heads. It's been playing on repeat ever since. We interviewed Ben
a few months back when Death Cab For Cutie's latest album came out, and he talked so lovingly and so warmly about his wife, between questions, we were sure theirs was a marriage that would last forever. Very, very, very sad. Stay adorable, you two.
Thurston Moore & Kim Gordon
We're still all choked up and in shock about this one. How could this happen? Thurston and Kim's looked like one of the most solid unions in rock 'n' roll history. But 27 years and one daughter later, poof! Last month they announced it was all over. When we heard the news, our chins wobbled, our palms got sweaty, and we listened to the Sister
album for three days straight. Sonic Youth is apparently still together though, so at least it's amicable. Still: Bummer.
Madonna & Guy Ritchie
While this relationship resulted in Swept Away being made (seriously, people -- it is definitely a contender for the Worst Movie Ever Made), we liked what the marriage did to the Material Girl. Who'd have thought she'd marry a rough ol' Englishman? For a minute, it seemed like she was finally relaxed and content enough to just be herself and stop trying so damn hard (except for that whole British accent thing, which was just effin' weird). They also produced two lovely sons. So when they announced their split after eight years of marriage -- and Madge immediately moved onto a pretty boy half her age, named Jesus -- we were pretty damn disappointed.
Everyone in Abba
Jesus, Swedes! You were two married couples! Singing and dancing together! In matching outfits! The world marveled at the intermingling of all that domesticity and glamor and then you both -- both -- got divorced. Both! Man, we feel betrayed.Michael Jackson & Lisa Marie Presley
Be honest. Wasn't it nice for a minute to think that lonely, isolated, tortured M.J. had finally met a nice lady to settle down with? They had matching eyebrows and they kissed onstage at the VMAs and it was all very sweet. (Weird, but sweet). Sadly, it only lasted eighteen months and we all know the end of this -- and, for Michael at least, it's not happy.
Tommy Lee & Pamela Anderson
When these two got together, it was like white trash the world over finally had an anointed king and queen to look up to. They married on a beach, after knowing each other less than a week and went on to touch tongues in public at every given opportunity. Then they had two babies. Then they broke up and got back together. Then they broke up and got back together again. Then Pammy told the world Tommy had given her The Heps. Just when we thought it couldn't get any more white trash, they got divorced and Pammy moved onto Kid Rock, but we still think these two were a pretty sweet couple while it lasted. Oh well...
Jack & Meg White
Now, we know this divorce happened before anyone knew who they were, but we wish they'd stayed married -- not just because of how aesthetically pleasing they are standing next to each other, not just because the music they made together was so fabulous, not just because it would've upped the cute factor in the band. No, if these two had stayed married in the first place, we wouldn't have had to feel all incesty and icky about it when we did eventually find out that they weren't, in fact, siblings (as they'd been implying for a long, long time), but were, in fact, a divorced couple. Is it weird to pretend that your ex-wife is your sister? Yes. Yes, it is, Jack White. So is keeping your ex-wife's name after the divorce. Just sayin'.
Mick Jagger & Jerry Hall
These two had such wonderful chemistry and such a great rapport, and they were together for decades. It was heartening to see a rock 'n' roll legend and a beautiful supermodel making it work long-term, kids and all. And then, after getting through all the excesses of the '70s, all the terrible clothing choices of the '80s, and all the domestic grossness of raising babies, these two went and divorced in 1999! It's just so late to bother! We will always think of these two as together, regardless of what the divorce certificate says.