We've all been there. You're at home, doing the dishes or washing the dog, and in swans your famous partner and demands that you be in their latest music video. Nightmare, eh? We understand that this is a really common problem -- Britney Spears' fella is apparently half-naked in her up-coming video for "Criminal" -- so we wanted to guide you through this oh-so-public minefield as carefully as possible. Thankfully, we've got lots of examples for you to learn from. Here's some advice on how to be in your spouse's music video, without making a fool of yourself.
Don't Be Slutty in a Place of Worship
When Axl Rose rolled home to his then-girlfriend Stephanie Seymour and
asked her to be in the video for "November Rain," we bet the
conversation went something like this:
Axl: "Honey, I've been thinking..."
Stephanie: "Is everything alright, dear?"
"Yeah... I guess. It's just that I'm punching so far above my weight
right now, dating you and all, I kind of want to put you in a Gn'R video
to prove that this even happened."
Stephanie: "Oh sweetie, I'd love
to, but only if I can dress like a puffy whore in church and have you
ram your tongue down my throat while a priest watches. Is that cool?"
Axl: "Honey, you read my mind! Man, this relationship is going to last forever!"
Do Something Useful
Sure, Jay-Z is in the video for Beyonce's "Crazy Right Now" -- one of
the greatest pop songs ever written, incidentally -- but he raps on it!
So he's totally allowed to be there! Plus, frankly, the real star of
this video is neither B nor Z -- it's Beyonce's butt. Truly, the world is beholden to your rear, Ms. Knowles.
Don't Mime Like a Crazy Person
Supermodel Jerry Hall was all over Brian Ferry's mid-70's work when
they were a couple -- album covers, videos, and all. We can't help but
wonder if this one had anything to do with Jerry running off with
Brian's mate, Mick Jagger, the following year -- she must've been
embarrassed about all the terrible miming she does. "You made me wear a tail!"
Jerry probably yelled on her way out. "And look, I've been biting my tongue about this
for months, Brian, but you have to choose between the white linen suits and the creepy 'stache. You can't have both at the same time because it makes you look like a murderer..."
Do Look Like You're Having a Good Time
Whitesnake were so great at being an '80s band that it had not one, not two, but three -- count 'em three! -- synthesizers. No wonder its members got all the hottest chicks. Here's David Coverdale's then-wife, Tawny Kitaen, looking so happy, we have to wonder if she inhaled too much hairspray before the shoot. Does she do weird gymnastics on the hood of some fancy cars? Yep. Does she hang out of the side of a moving vehicle like a drunk cheerleader on prom night? That'd be a yep, too. But holy gas fumes, she's clearly having the time of her freakin' life. Without her, this video would've been... even worse.
Don't Look Like a Slave Boy
And here's Ben Affleck showing the world what a sensitive and doting
husband-to-(never)-be he is, getting crap out of J-Lo's
eyes, kissing her long time, pumping her gas (while she drives), getting
down on his knees to find her earrings, and lifting her up in swimming
pools all over the place. It's not hard to tell who's wearing the pants
in this relationship, dude. We can't help but wonder if he knew how
emasculating this was going to be. And we really, really can't
help but wonder how awkward it gets in the Affleck-Garner household when
this pops up on MTV. This has gotta be a bigger regret than Daredevil.