Kesha came to the Fox Oakland last night. We couldn't hear the sonic damage from our home in the city, but we're sure it was cacophonous and despicable. The queen of trash-pop (or is it pop-trash?) is notorious for luring innocent, unsuspecting persons into those treacherous dens in which she performs, then forcefully converting them into devoted, sleazy Kesha fans. Once turned, supporters acquire set of traits that make them significant existential threats to decent, fully clothed, reasonably sober, monogamous human beings. Thus, Kesha fans are to be feared and stayed away from. Here are 10 of the best reasons why:
10. Kesha-loving women turn otherwise virile, self-determined men into helpless slaves.
And the poisoned males like it!
9. The Kesha fan's tongue becomes a powerful weapon, able to deploy at any time to transform an otherwise serious situation into a raucous, unproductive ballyhoo.
Besides Kesha's music itself, her fans' tongues are the principle transfer agents of the Kesha-appreciation virus.
8. Once converted, the Kesha fan loses all sensibilities related to aesthetic dignity and taste.
These abilities appear to be lost forever, which can lead to humiliating and awkward situations outside of the Kesha appreciation event.
7. Some highly proficient Kesha fans are able to read minds.
This can be very dangerous, especially when their abilities are used on non-Kesha fans -- whose unsullied minds reach beyond the typical Kesha fan's obsession with their next dose of contraband narcotic and/or intoxicating beverage.