So, guess what happened the other day? John Mayer announced to an audience of students at Berklee College in Boston that he was addicted to Twitter, prompting the sympathy of, we imagine, literally nobody. "I was a Twitterholic," he announced (possibly sobbing). "I had four million Twitter followers and I was always writing on it ... and it started to make my mind smaller and smaller and smaller and I couldn't write a song anymore."
Now, our initial instinct was to debate Mayer's ability to write a song
in the first place, but since he's won a ton of Grammys (which means
somebody somewhere, inexplicably, thinks his songwriting ability is adequate), we had to put that to one side and allow the next
thought to hit us, like an open-handed slap from an angry drunk woman.
And here it is: John Mayer is allowed to give college lectures. We
repeat: John "white supremacist penis, sexual napalm" Mayer is allowed to give college lectures.
Really, Berklee? We know you're a college of music and he's a famous
musician, but you couldn't think of anyone else to get in? Anyone? Maybe
someone who isn't so out of touch with reality? Maybe someone who isn't
so far up his own ass, he says things like, "I need to make what I
think is shit, which will be nothing close to shit -- it'll just be
free." Someone who maybe treats music as an art form, rather than a
means to get chicks. "Instead of spending 600
bucks on a new sampler," Mayer once said, "buy yourself a guitar. You can have a song by
tonight and be getting laid tomorrow." We sure hope the poor Berklee students
aren't paying high fees to listen to this kind of inane crap.
But, confusion and horror aside, let's get back to the point: John Mayer
told a room full of people he was addicted to Twitter and that it was
making him stupid. Um, John? Announcing that you're addicted to a social
networking site is even more infuriating (and pathetic) than the multitude of famous
dudes who announce they have a sex addiction after they get caught
cheating on their spouses. It also belittles people with actual addictions -- to, you know, booze and drugs and things.
What's more, we suspect you're blaming Twitter for making your "mind
smaller" because of the fallout from some of the idiotic crap that's
dropped out of your brain and into the public consciousness recently.
You are suddenly aware that people think you're stupid? Well, here's
a newsflash: You didn't become stupid because of Twitter, Twitter
merely enabled you to express yourself stupidly to the world (or, at
least, 3,700,000 people) more often than before, and now everyone hates you even more than that they did pre-Twitter.
"I wanted to be a blues guitar player," Mayer Tweeted after that incredibly stupid Playboy interview he did. "And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don't have the stomach for it." Neither do we, John. Neither do we.