We know this is an odd thing to assist you with, but we're increasingly convinced that a certain section of the showgoing public is seriously trying to achieve this most shameful of goals. Why are we trying to help them? Well, we figure if these jackasses really knuckle down and go for it, the chances of them getting kicked out will increase and thus improve everyone else's lives significantly. Here, then, are some tips on how to be the most annoying person at a show.
Wear Inappropriate Accessories and Head for the Front
As anyone who attended pop-punk shows in the mid-1990s will tell you, backpacks at gigs are beyond irritating. They take up too much space, they snag other people's clothes, and they whack you in the face because the wearers are utterly oblivious to anything going on behind them. If you're too cool to own a backpack, messenger bags are almost as irritating, so strap on one of those bad boys instead. Large hats and stilettos are also the enemies of fellow audience members, so you might want to take those along to block a bunch of views and stab as many tender, innocent feet as you can manage. Good luck out there.
Get Wasted and Refuse to Deal with the Consequences
Which annoying drunk guy do you wanna be? The guy that pukes all over the bathroom? How about the Human Pinball guy, who bounces around the room, wrecking everything in his path, before falling into a crowd of people, knocking over ten drinks, and cracking his head on a wall? There's always the surly Fight Me guy at the bar, if those first two don't tickle your fancy.
It's worth noting also, that we saw a woman at the last Queens of the Stone Age show in Oakland who was so hammered she kept draping herself on whatever male happened to be closest, including several complete strangers who were nothing less than horrified. By the end of the night, she'd hiked her skirt up so short -- God, we hate to even type this -- that her tampon string was visible. If you want to be the biggest asshole at the show, just be that girl.
Smoke Weed in Everyone's Faces
There is a sense of self-entitlement among Northern California's stoner community that is mindblowingly irritating for everyone else at gigs. Not everyone in the crowd wants to leave the show smelling like a hippie because they've been surrounded by joints and pipes and people who don't care about anyone else in their vicinity all night. There are also plenty of bands who appreciate having weed smoke blown in their faces about as much as they appreciate having bongwater thrown on them, so if you're on a mission to be the most annoying person watching the band tonight, smoke weed throughout, oblivious to the fact that you're annoying the crap out of all of the nonsmokers in the room (and probably the band). Well done.
That's right. Sing! Sing like it's karaoke and you're the star of the show! Sing out of tune, right next to people's heads, at a level that is guaranteed to ruin every song for everyone around you. Bonus points go to people who insist on singing the wrong lyrics throughout -- everyone hates you more than you will ever know -- or, even better, try to make "widdly-wah" guitar sounds with their mouths. Because that's special on a level that defies comprehension.
Dance in an Ultraviolent Manner
Sure, if you're down the front at a heavy show, you know you're gonna be subjecting yourself to a certain level of physical violence -- and that's fine. We take no issue with a bit of pushing, some shoving, and sporadic bouts of (reasonable) punching, but those grown men at hardcore shows who pull out their elbows, their high-kicks, and their windmills in the middle of a crowd of unsuspecting 15-year-olds might as well be wearing signs expressing disappointment with their own manhood. If you want to be truly annoying, go hang out with those dudes for the afternoon and learn their "moves." No one will thank you for it -- but they will probably laugh at you.
Make Out Like the Apocalypse Is Coming
Stand in the middle of the crowd, penned in on all sides by humans trying to enjoy the show unfolding in front of them and ruin their evenings by performing sloppy, unabashed, open-mouthed face-sucking for the entire gig. This is annoying not just because it's gross for everyone to have to watch in such close quarters, but also because your closed eyes are taking up a spot in the front that would be better suited for two people who actually wanted to see the show. Congratulations on hooking up -- you're utterly repulsive.