So, it turns out that angling to be a presidential nominee
turns you into a massive racist. At least, that's all we've been able to glean
so far from Donald Trump's ill-informed and bafflingly ignorant behavior over
the last few weeks. "I wanna see Obama's birth certificate! I wanna see Obama's
birth certificate!" he whined repeatedly. He might as well have been saying
'Brown people aren't American and nonwhites are all terrorists! Wah!' Thanks,
Don. Now we don't want to watch Celebrity Apprentice anymore (our brains
thank you, but our guilty pleasure receptors are superbummed).
would make far more effective commanders-in-chief. Here's our shortlist. And
no, Bono, you're not on it (because you, sir, are a pain in the arse).
1. Public Enemy
Yes, all of them. Picture that lot in the Oval Office,
surrounded by Nation of Islam soldiers. Chuck D would be the Decider, Flava
Flav would be the Distracter, and collectively they would scare the living crap
out of every backwards, bigoted, rich white racist in the House (and Senate).
The Tea Party would either crumble or go full-on Libertarian and depart D.C. to live in the
hills. Either way, we wouldn't have to listen to all those yokels prattling on
about guns, Jesus, and dead babies anymore.
Sure, she's batshit mental, but consider this: it wouldn't
be the first time we had a lunatic leading the country and -- most importantly
-- inequality for gays would be eradicated in, like, the first five minutes of
her taking office. And holy crap, that's so overdue it makes our brains hurt.
3. Serge Tankian, System of a Down
Okay, fine. He was born in Beirut.
This could never happen. But let's just live in fantasyland for a second, because ol' Serge is articulate, thoughtful, and ridiculously intelligent. He's
also really good at taking complicated crap and breaking it down so everyone --
even dumbasses -- can understand. Also, we think he'd try really, really hard
to pull off that world peace shit. And that's nice.
4. Will Smith
Who doesn't like Will Smith? Duh: Nobody! (Except for people
who saw wicki-wicki Wild Wild West, but we're just going to pretend that whole
thing never happened for the purpose of this exercise.) We're kind of scaring
ourselves a bit here, because we genuinely think if Will stood for office, he'd
get elected. Dumber things have happened (cough -- Ronald Reagan -- cough).
Jada Pinkett Smith would make a feisty first lady, they're already breeding superchildren, and dammit -- we never thought we'd say this about the Fresh Prince -- but
dude has got his shit together. Plus, any time things got too heavy or depressing,
he could just cheer everyone up with this little number. Sorted!
5. Ozzy Osbourne
Fact: Ozzy Osbourne is incapable of dying. Dude is
assassination-proof! How's that for a good start to life in office? Plus,
Ozzy is a man of the people. The drug and alcohol abusers get him, the
entrepreneurs respect him, and he can rub shoulders with the superrich just as
easily as with the working class folk he grew up with. Plus, people constantly
underestimate Ozzy. He could blindside doubters, all the time. Because, as we
all already know, Sharon would be
the person really doing all the work -- and that lady is impressively
impervious to BS.
6. Sheryl Crow
There were rumors when Sheryl and Lance Armstrong broke up
that part of the problem was her hatred of, and Lance's love for, George W. Bush. Way to stand your ground, baby! There'll be no Schwarzenegger/Shriver
compromising here! The real beauty, though, is that crazy right-wingers tend
to judge books by covers. And, on the surface, Ms. Crow could pass for one of
them -- all cowboy boots and down-home lady charm. By the time they figured it
out, she'd already be in and lefting it up all over the place. Natalie Maines
from the Dixie Chicks would totally be VP too. Hottest. President. Ever. Here's
Sheryl taking a swipe at Sarah Palin in song form. Bless.
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