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Monday, April 18, 2011

Top Five Musicians We Didn't Need to See Naked (Slightly NSFW)

Posted By on Mon, Apr 18, 2011 at 8:26 AM

When Demi Moore took her kit off for the cover of Vanity

Fair in 1991, it caused a storm of controversy. A -- gasp! -- naked, pregnant

woman, looking -- double gasp! -- sexy! People freaked out. It was kind of cool, but the problem was that it opened the floodgates. And

now, more than a decade later, the world has to deal with Mariah Carey having her

boobs clutched by her husband while she's with child in a shoot not nearly as tasteful. This heinous recent overexposure of Carey's personal life got us

thinking about all those other musicians we didn't necessarily need to see

naked. So here are our top five offenders, along with the people we would

rather have seen in the buff.

5. Amy Winehouse
Oh, Amy. When they tried to make you go to rehab and you

said no, no, no, we backed you 100 percent, even though we were

worried about how much crack you might be smoking. But, when you posed nude for a

breast cancer awareness campaign in 2008, even though it was for a good cause

and we felt like patting you on the back for that, we had to wonder how much we

needed to see this. Especially when, just a couple of years later, you went and

got breast implants and failed to keep them in your shirt on a great number of

occasions. Bottom line: We're a bit tired of seeing Amy Winehouse's

breasticles at this point. Whether it's for a good cause or not.

click to enlarge amy_winehouse_naked.jpg

We would've rather seen: Lily Allen flashing the Warfield in

2009. And we did. So, uh ... okay then! All's square now.


4. Marilyn Manson
We love his art. We love his smarts. We love his

fearlessness. We really, really loved his Bowling for Columbine interview, too. What we don't love? His mangina. Seriously.

click to enlarge marilyn_naked.jpg

We would've rather seen: Church

of Satan founder Anton LaVey naked. At least we

could've done some rituals with that.

3. Christina Aguilera on the cover of Rolling Stone
It's not that she isn't pleasant to look at naked,

it's the goddamn context with this one. Naked on the cover of Rolling Stone?

Really? What is this? Playboy? Looking at this just makes us feel all gross and exploitative and dirty with fake tan. And

what's with the guitar anyway? You freakin' know she doesn't know how to play

that thing!

click to enlarge aguilera.jpg

We would've rather seen: Britney's October 2003 Rolling

Stone cover shoot. Because at least she got to keep her panties on.

2. Rage Against the Machine
We fully back RATM's protest against the Parents

Music Resource Center

during its Lollapalooza set in Philadelphia

in 1993. Problem is, now we can't help but compare and contrast the wangs of

one of the 1990s' greatest, most innovative, and politically relevant bands. And that just makes us feel us feel

trivial and stupid. (Tom Morello looks great, though, right? Right?)

click to enlarge ratm_censorship_protest.jpg

We would've rather seen: System of a Down naked ... purely

because we wanna know whether its members braid their pubic hair like they do their facial hair.

1. GG Allin
Granted, after the controversial musician died, he was buried in just a leather

jacket and a jockstrap. And granted, we know his live performances were all about shock value,

and the fact that he wanted to gross us out. But we might have been able to

stomach GG shitting onstage and indulging in all manner of other gratuitous shenanigans if we hadn't had to look at him

naked so damn much. Of course, our disgust was exactly what he would've wanted,

so congratulations, GG -- mission accomplished.

click to enlarge gg_allin.jpg

We would've rather seen: Henry Rollins nude. He's also dangerous,

punk rock, unpredictable, bloody, and volatile ... and just a lot healthier and more

attractive (and less prone to publicizing bodily functions). Sorry, GG.

----
Follow us on Twitter @SFAllShookDown, follow Rae Alexandra @Raemondjjjj, and like us at Facebook.com/SFAllShookDown.

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