The time is almost upon us. This week, tens of thousands of
beautiful indie kids will descend on a patch of desert in Indio,
Calif., and bear witness to some of the
finest music the modern world has to offer at the 13th annual
For those of you who didn't manage to get a ticket
(because they sold out in one week!), couldn't get the time off, or couldn't wrangle a guest pass from that guy who's friends with
that dude you know from work who used to do merch for [insert band name here]
back in [insert year here], here's some helpful advice for not turning green
with envy once Friday rolls around.
It's a widely known fact that the two most uncomfortable
festivals on earth are the Warped Tour and Coachella. Both routinely see temperatures over a
hundred degrees every day -- but while Warped lasts a mere ten hours, Coachella
goes on for three entire days. Three days! In the desert! What are you? The
Doors? Did we mention there's like zero shade at this thing? It's hard to enjoy
PJ Harvey when your skin is melting, that's all we're saying.
and you're a boy, you probably have a beard (not that we're stereotyping or
anything). Unfortunately, beards and Coachella simply do not mix. All that heat
makes you sweat, all that sweat makes your man fur itchy, then all the dust
being kicked up everywhere ends up trapped in your face rug. It's a cruel
irony, but if you went to Coachella, you'd have to shave. And that would suck
for both your face and the many, many ladies who are lusty for beards. Don't
even get us started on the poor suckers who arrive with beards on Day One, are
forced to shave on Day Two because of the discomfort, then end up having half a
tan face and half a pasty white one. Hilarious, but a sad sight to behold.
Angeles and stuff, but there really is a ridiculously
high quota of douchiness present at Coachella every year.
If there were a
televised broadcast of the audience, we would create a drinking game for the
occasion in which you had to take a shot every time you saw one of those
skinny American Apparel braided headbands, a pair of BluBlocker sunglassess, or a girl
who in no way embodies alternative living dressed like a hippie because she
thinks everyone who ever goes to a festival ever should dress like it's
Woodstock. You'd be wasted within ten minutes.
just watch this instead. Never gets old.
reading the fine print. You'll probably do a double-take when you see the words
Big Audio Dynamite high up on Saturday's bill (sorry, Mick Jones, we do love the Clash of course, and B.A.D. had its place, but we really can't believe Big
Audio Dynamite is still performing -- it's just kind of weird at this point).
And the London Suede? Really? Who
on earth thought that reunion was necessary?
distressed during his set and announced, "I can smell burning flesh and I hope
to God it's human." Then he walked offstage halfway through a song and
informed everyone a few minutes later that "The smell of burning animals is
making me sick." If he feels like that up onstage, miles away from the stink
of the crowd, imagine what it smells like in the thick of things. So feel
better, herbivores: For now, by missing the festival, you don't have to return
home smelling like a dirty rib joint. Hurray!
you with a guide to seeing the best bits of this year's line-up without leaving the
Bay Area. You don't have to deal with all of the above discomfort and lunacy. Rejoice!