8:01 p.m.: Show opens with an Aretha Franklin montage. Okay...
8:03 p.m.: Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, Florence Welch, Yolanda Adams, and Martina McBride perform "Natural Woman" together, then take it in turns to do individual Franklin covers. As if the nation doesn't hate her enough already for the National Anthem incident, Aguilera proceeds to yodel away like a horse being strangled. She does seem to know the words this time though (kinda), which is something.
8:05 p.m.: Florence Welch's facial expression -- a bizarre mix of discomfort and fear -- suggests she's expecting to be removed from the stage by security at any moment. Please don't go, Flo. We think you sound lovely.
8:13 p.m.: Aretha appears via video, looking very sparkly, and says thanks to a bunch of people. Did she just win something? What just happened here? Confused.
8:19 p.m.: Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group nominees announced. Which consist of the cast of Glee, Maroon 5, Paramore, Sade, and Train. Dear God, really? Guess we'll root for Paramore then.
8:21 p.m.: Train wins for "Hey Soul Sister". Gross. But at least those Glee bastards didn't get it.
8:23 p.m.: Lady Gaga emerges from an egg, wearing a pizza base on her head, and launches into a gigantic pop routine of wondrous magnitude. "Don't be a drag, just be a queen," she sings. If we were in the room, we'd run onstage, Kanye-style, to high five her.
8:34 p.m.: Miranda Lambert has to perform a country ballad directly after Gaga. Whoever organized the running order tonight clearly hates her.
8:38 p.m.: Woah! Lenny Kravitz still gets invited to these things!
8:39 p.m.: Muse perform "Uprising." They sound amazing. Shame someone decided they needed some actors to run around in front of them waving sticks. Totally unnecessary and a bit stupid -- a kinda like Matt Bellamy's white sequined suit.
8:49 p.m.: B.o.B., Bruno Mars, and Janelle Monae perform together. Monae and Mars are clearly in the midst of a hair height competition. Monae is victorious.
8:56 p.m.: Monae is stupid good at this performing "Cold War."
8: 59 p.m.: Miranda Lambert wins Best Female Country Performance. We suspect they were contractually obliged to give it to her after making her go on after Gaga.
9:05 p.m.: Musical legend (cough) Eva Longoria introduces Justin Bieber and Usher, who do some terrible acting before prancing around with a bunch of acrobats. We fantasize about one of them missing their mark and accidentally kicking Bieber in the head.
9:09 p.m.: Child of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, Jaden, raps with Bieber. We hope his parents survive the next apocalypse and can re-populate the earth because they appear to be breeding super-children.
9:13 p.m.: Best Rock Album nominees consist of Jeff Beck, Muse, Pearl Jam, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, and Neil Young. Seriously, Recording Academy? Do you know what decade it is right now? (Muse wins).
9:22 p.m: Lady Gaga wears boob and butt armor to pick up her award for Best Pop Vocal Album. Her acceptance speech is bat-shit mental. Hurrah!
9:25 p.m.: Finally! A banjo! Mumford & Sons' performance is foot-stomping, spank-your-ass amazing.
9:28 p.m.: The Avett Brothers are pretty sweet, too.
9:30 p.m.: Mumford & Sons and The Avett Brothers back up Bob Dylan in a rendition of "Maggie's Farm." Dylan sounds like he's singing through a post-tracheotomy voice box. Total bummer.
9:40 p.m.: Lady Antebellum perform. Bored now.
9:44 p.m.: Miley Cyrus and Kings Of Leon present Best Country Album to Lady Antebellum. Still bored.
9:47 p.m.: Cee-Lo Green hits the stage, dressed as a giant bird and surrounded by puppets, to perform "Forget You." Then, just to make shit even weirder, Gwyneth Paltrow arrives and joins in. Her shoes are incredible. The longer the performance goes on, the less sense Cee-Lo's outfit makes. What the hell was he thinking?
9:57 p.m.: Oh good. Katy Perry's on. ←This is sarcasm.
9:59 p.m.: Footage of Perry's wedding to cheeky U.K. comic Russell Brand is now being projected onto a giant sheet behind her, while she sits motionless on a swing. Thank God there's a trash can next to us because vomit is imminent.
10:02 p.m.: John Mayer (disguised as Johnny Depp), Norah Jones and Keith Urban cover Dolly Parton's "Jolene." We want to hate it but even John Mayer can't kill a song this rad.
10:04 p.m.: Song Of The Year goes to (yawn) Lady Antebellum. Cee-Lo was robbed!
10:12 p.m.: Seth Rogen's double chin has grown back. He's cute again. Yay!
10:15 p.m.: Rihanna's Cinderella dress and the veins in Eminem's head perform "Love The Way You Lie."
10:19 p.m.: Dr. Dre is looking really old, dude.
10:20 p.m.: New Artist Award time! Come on Florence & The Machine! Or Mumford & Sons! We'll be happy if it goes to either one of them.
10:21 p.m.: Esperanza Spalding wins it. C'mon Grammy's, you're just annoying us now.
10:33 p.m.: Remembering the deaths of Ronny James Dio, Malcolm McLaren, Solomon Burke, Lena Horne, and John Barry ain't perking us up either.
10:35 p.m.: And here's someone who should technically be dead but has survived all the drugs, Mick Jagger. Phew! Some hope! To celebrate, Willow Smith whips her hair back and forth from the audience. So does Cyndi Lauper.
10:45 p.m.: Kris Kristofferson and his tight, tight shiny forehead introduce Barbara Streisand. If you need to pop to the store to get another bottle of wine, now's the time.
10:50 p.m.: Nicky Minaj looks like the Bride Of Frankenstein crossed with some exotic roadkill. And yet, we still like her -- probably because she's prone to making crazy cartoon faces and that's to be applauded.
10:52 p.m.: Eminem wins Best Rap Album and looks totally pissed off about the whole thing. Wouldn't kill you to crack a smile, dude. You used to have a sense of humor -- now you've just got the crazy eye.
10:59 p.m.: Rihanna's performing again. This time with Drake. Someone appears to have stolen her clothes.
11:04 p.m.: Lady Antebellum wins Record Of The Year. You've gotta be effing kidding, right? Surely the point of having a Song Of The Year and a Record Of The Year is to basically make sure you can give the same award to two equally deserving artists? Why give both awards to the same middle-of-the-road poop-mobile? This is an outrage!
11:12 p.m.: Oh, thank god. Arcade Fire and enough strobe to send the entire arena into seizure. Like Muse and their "rioters," AF don't need people cycling around them on BMX bikes while they perform, but this is the Grammy Awards, so novelty continues to win out over sense or dignity.
11:22 p.m.: If Lady Antebellum win Album Of The Year, we're going postal.
11:23 p.m.: Arcade Fire wins Album Of The Year. Sweet relief! Barbara Streisand announces the win in a confused manner that suggests she thinks the name of the band is The Suburbs. Bless her. AF performs again. Maybe good things do come to those who wait.