Yes, the Grammys are nothing more than a promo summit for what remains of our broken conglomerate record labels of yore. Columbia, EMI, Warner Bros., Capitol, Atlantic, Interscope, et al. like to believe they still hold some influence over the masses, and as long as we can sit here comfortably and judge their stars' tacky outfits and overly tuned voices, we're mostly okay with such spectacles. So it's ironic -- or perhaps genius -- that it was the very same rock and pop stars who taught us that the only legitimate influential force in the biz is drugs and booze -- and that most Grammy-approved music and personalities are only tolerable when our brains are flooded with the stuff. Sunday's 2011 Grammys host is LL "Oh shit he must be promoting a new album" Cool J, which should be all the convincing you need to take up our 2011 Grammy drinking game. Here are the rules:
1. Drink Every time you hear the name "Lady" and twice every time you think "tramp."
2. Drink five Red Bulls/do a line every time they pan to/mention Bruno Mars.
3. Drink every time Eminem is on a commercial, and drink twice everytime he says "this is why I don't do commercials."
4. Take one drink for every exposed LL Cool J bicep. Two if he's actually working out onstage.
5. Every time a winner suggests you follow them on Twitter. (Btw, follow me @shitmygrammywinnersays). Twice for a MySpace url.
6. One drink for every Glee reference/character. Shotgun if Gwyneth Paltrow drops the F-bomb with Cee Lo.
7. Waterfall everytime Cee Lo's "Fuck You" is dubbed over.
8. Take a shot anytime anyone gives props to the people of Egypt. Twice if they've never toured there. (So that's like every time.)
9. Drink every time you hear "Teenage Dream" announced. Shotgun every time you hear Teen Dream announced, or wish Beach House was there.
10. Shot of tomato juice everytime Bieber bats his eyelashes/laughs evilly while plotting world takeover.
11. Sip of Sprite everytime someone says "did you know Drake used to be on that show Degrassi."
12. Drink for every manufactured, forced duet, and twice for each additional performer to join in. Shotgun if one of those performers has gray hair (or is clearly dyeing/dying).
13. Shotgun for every reference to dead musician, and waterfall during dead person montage. (Yes, through the whole thing.)
14. Drink if you're surprised the Lifetime Achievement Award winner isn't dead already.
15. Drink if someone accepts an award via satellite. Twice if they clearly had nothing better to do and should have been there.
16. Drink for every non-musician celebrity shown. Twice if they're schmoozing to start a music career.
17. Drink for every inexplicable beat box moment.
18. Drink if you can't name an instrument used in a performance. Twice if it's not during the token world music set.
19. Drink for every shout-out to Brooklyn/NYC.
20. Drink for every nearly-bare, surgically altered breast. Twice if it doesn't belong to Beyonce or Katy Perry.
21. Drink if the producers of a winning album go by some parenthetical nickname.
22. Drink everytime someone cites Billboard. Twice for Rolling Stone, three times for the Source.
23. Drink anytime Kanye acts completely normal. Shotgun if he never says a word.
24. Drink anytime someone rips off a famous dance troupe's moves.
25. Raise your fist and drink if Arcade Fire actually wins Best Album. Then pour one out for the non-independent music industry.