Oh dear God, is there a worse time of year for music than Christmas? We certainly don't think so. Walking into anywhere public right about now is like having our ears pelted from on high by sleigh bells (no, not that duo from Brooklyn -- we quite like them) and snowballs filled with glass. But! Being the gigantic masochists that we are, we decided this week to take a stab at figuring out the worst of the worst. Here then, are the top six most annoying Christmas songs of all time.
6. Bruce Springsteen, "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"
Sorry Bruce, we know you're not technically one of the worst offenders, but we simply hold you to a higher standard than the rest of the world. If you weren't so infallible the rest of the time, we wouldn't be so horrified by this. But we simply don't understand how you go from being such a stickler for detail during the making of the Darkness On The Edge Of Town album (please, readers, see the HBO documentary on the subject asap. if you haven't yet) to performing this monstrosity, in a fluffy red cowboy hat, like it ain't no thing. It is not befitting of a songwriting genius of your magnitude, it makes the Baby Jesus cry, and don't even get us started on the "Ho, ho, ho" noises.
5. Wizzard, "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday"
We decided to do our Christmas shopping in the UK one year, and this song was played literally every three minutes, everywhere we went (including the pub). So take a minute out of your day to feel sorry for our British brethren, who have to suffer through this ridiculous song every year, almost constantly, for an entire month. It doesn't even make any sense! Imagine how broke everyone would be if it was Christmas every day! Stupidity of the highest order.
4. Sting, "Gabriel's Message"
Ach. Here's Sting, as smug as ever, with a lovely beard and a lovely sweater, all warm like a clean fisherman, annunciating the living piss out of every single word of this semi-religious claptrap in his ongoing mission to appear holier than every other single person on the planet. If this were 1523 and we were Henry VIII, we'd think this was the bomb. But it's not. And we don't. Frankly, we just want to slap Sting round the face with a wet kipper for looking so pleased with himself.