Dear turkeys, we're sorry. Seriously. This is a really bad time of the year for you guys and we feel terrible about not being able to really do anything about your plight and everything. But hey, everyone else, we know you're also having a stressful time of it (what with dealing with your family and all) so we've devised a seven-song list to help you survive this most American of holidays. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! (Did we mention we're sorry about the turkeys?)
1. "I Like Food," The Descendents
So here it is. Thanksgiving. Cooking. Stupid, stupid cooking that you're having to do for, like, a million people. It's time-consuming, soul-destroying, and sweat-inducing. So, in the interests of keeping this as painless as possible, we'd like to suggest that all food-preparation be done while listening to this 18-second song by The Descendents on repeat, because it will make you move really, really fast and not waste all goddamn day basting a mother-effing turkey that no one will care about because they're already drunk.
2. "Maximum Consumption," The Kinks
We all know that Thanksgiving is basically an eating competition dressed up as a civilized occasion, so what better way to soundtrack it than eating 'til your face hurts while listening to The Kinks? Sure, they're talking about being gross, obese, man-beast people here (and doing it in slow-motion just to make a point about what fatness can do to a human), but they're also doing it while employing English accents, so you can still stuff your face at breakneck speed and yet retain a vaguely regal feeling about the whole affair. Go on -- jam two turkey legs in your mouth at once just to prove a point to your dinner neighbor. God save the Queen.
3. "Waste," Good Riddance
Dear vegans/vegetarians, we haven't forgotten about you. We know that this entire holiday enrages you, but, in the interests of being civil, you will probably still get stuck around a table with a bunch of people who don't care about the fact that, like, a billion turkeys got slaughtered for this holiday. So this is for you. The second that someone gloats over enjoying their bit of carcass a bit too much and pipes up and mocks your stuffed Tofurkey, have this little slice of rage on hand to make them shut their meat-loving mouth up. Holidays are about sharing, everyone. Even if it makes everyone feel really, really bad about what they're eating. You're welcome.