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Thursday, November 18, 2010

He Won't Commit To A Facebook Relationship

Posted By on Thu, Nov 18, 2010 at 9:00 AM

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My boyfriend and I have been unofficially dating for a year, and officially dating for about a month (Long story, commitment phobias, blah de blah). My problem is he won't update his relationship status on Facebook. All these slutty girls keep flirting with him, and I want to electronically stake my claim. Am I being unreasonable? Please help.


This is exactly why I don't list my relationship status anymore. It eliminates awkwardness and hurt feelings, especially when it goes the other way, and that sad little broken heart icon broadcasts your crippling loneliness to hundreds of people instantaneously, along with the penguin pajamas you've been wearing for days and the vodka and V8 you've begun referring to as "dinner" and are drinking out of a fondue pot because you're too sad to wash dishes anymore.

The Facebook relationship status, at the root of things, is a pointless formality, kind of like the sheer shower cap thong my waxer gave me before my first Brazilian to make me feel "more comfortable." I was like, um, pretty sure whatever comfort I might have felt vacated the premises when you asked me to wetnap my asshole. But, that is neither here nor hair.

There is immense power in naming things. This is why people who slaughter animals don't name them. It's much easier, psychologically, to kill Random Chicken #47 than it is to kill Mister Squawksidoo. Declaring your relationship on Facebook is similar, and not just because they both involve references to cocks. It's also very tempting to press someone with commitment issues to change, since you're already on such a roll. He's your boyfriend now! What's one little relationship update?  
According to the number crunchers at Facebook, who did a study on the happiness of its users based on keywords in their status updates last February, "people who are in a relationship or marriage do seem to be happier than everyone else." Of course, one's status updates alone can't predict happiness (yet), but if your boyfriend is easily swayed by official-looking charts, then by all means, send him that link. This is also, coincidentally, how Rick Astley convinced me to "roll with him."

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Give it time, E-gnored. Focus on enjoying your newly marked relationship, find security in his real world actions and behaviors and live your life. As I'm sure someone has said on the internet somewhere before: Dance like no one's tagging the picture. Tweet like no one is following. And love like you've never been defriended.

Social-media mistress Anna Pulley likes to give advice about how to play well with others on the internets. If you have a question about etiquette involving technology, shoot her a question at

Follow us on Twitter: @annapulley or @SFWeekly 

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