So last week you may have seen us going apeshit over this rad dude who made his three-year-old son a mind-blowing Deadmau5 costume for Halloween. Having concluded that he's pretty much the best dad ever, we started thinking about what band-related costumes we'd like to put on the (unfortunate) small children in our vicinity next time there's a dress-up opportunity. Feel free to print out this list and save it for next Halloween's costume planning season.
The costume itself is nice and easy -- just use the head part from a regular bear costume, add those irritatingly pointless '80's sunglasses, and presto, you've got it. The tricky part is schooling your bear child in the art of being an egotistical, arrogant dickwad with delusions of grandeur. Special bonus points go to whoever trains their kid to charge in front of fellow trick or treaters, snatch their candy and yell "I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish, but..."
If you're looking to give the parents of the other children in your neighborhood nightmares, just dress yours up like stoned, bedraggled monkey people with slouchy demeanors, scarily soulless eyes, and menacing airs of potential stabbiness. Seriously. That shit would be hilarious.
Sure, it's going to be annoying having to explain to people that your child is not, repeat not, a Blues Brother, and, sure, the other kids won't get it at the time, but trust us -- a few years' later, when teen-dom beckons and musical exploration commences, your child's classmates will be all "Woah, that guy, like, totally turned me onto "Too Much Too Young" when he skanked in the middle of my living room and sang it to me when we were five. He's, like, so ahead of his time."
Skull mask, plus rubber bat wings, plus super-glue, equals simple but truly metal headgear for your offspring. Just don't let anyone know what Avenged Sevenfold actually sounds like because -- dude -- that'd just be beyond embarrassing for everyone concerned. Jocks in eyeliner? Shudder.
Call us twisted, but foul-mouthed children make us feel gooey inside and glad to be alive. Did any of you see the recent FCKH8 commercials that included small children dropping F-bombs in support of their gay parents' right to marry? They made us totally broody. So imagine what hearing a small child singing "Last Caress" in the style of Elvis impersonator Jerry Only would do to our urge to reproduce? We would probably literally throw all our birth control out of a moving vehicle, halfway across the Bay Bridge.
The potential problem here is that, if done properly, this would actually scare the bejesus out of all the other children. Possibly permanently. The bonus though, is that you've got so many options. Which Eddie do you choose? Grim Reaper Eddie? Blood-drenched axe-wielding Eddie? Crazy, half-mummified, fists-clenched Eddie? How about gun-wielding, futuristic, half-terminator, ribcage-exoskeleton Eddie? The opportunities for creativity are endless! Like Martha Stewart on crack!
Sure, shaving your child's head for one event may raise some eyebrows at school on Monday, but who doesn't want to see tiny humans dressed up like fat skinheads in bee shirts and teeny Dr. Marten boots, tongues hanging out, fists aloft? What's that? Nobody? Ever? Oh. Our bad. Forget we said anything. Moving on!
Hipster parents could have a field day with this one. "No, he's not B.A. Baracus," they'd get to say with a superior eye-roll and dismissive arm-fold. "And if you don't know who Diplo and Switch are, I just can't have my children around you anymore. Here's a copy of Vice Magazine. Call us for a playdate when you a get a clue, mmm-K?"
By "any of them," we actually mean "any of them that aren't the guy in the middle wearing the devil head." You have to know where to draw the line, y'know? What if your kid dressed up like that and ran into some devout Christians while tearing through the streets, chucking fake blood at everyone? The other kids would probably think it was the rapture and start looking skyward for Jesus to beam them up or whatever. Giant rubber hammers, however, should be encouraged at all times.
People are real weird and precious about this logo, so if you stick it on your child's head, you'll basically be getting high-fived by indie-parents all day long (while the clueless will wonder why your kid is dressed like a rodent from a meth lab). Most importantly, it looks almost as rad as the Deadmau5 head, but would be about 25 times easier to make. And we're pretty lazy, so that totally works. You're welcome!