We found out last week, from a variety of tabloidy sources, that 50 Cent and Chelsea Handler are currently -- well, not exactly hooking up, but having intimate conversations in a bar and talking about maybe hooking up. W.T.F. people? We'd like to take this opportunity to pat Chelsea on the back for all of the tongue-biting she must be doing right now (and we don't mean that in a Sexy Time way, we mean that in a How The Hell Is She Not Mocking Him Relentlessly For "Have A Baby By Me"?) Maybe their flirty faux-courtship will turn out to be a sick joke. Until then though, let's amuse ourselves with a list of music's ten oddest couplings in recent memory:
10. Lyle Lovett & Julia Roberts
Yeah, we know. This one's so obvious we almost didn't include it. But seriously, even seventeen years later, we're still like "Giiirl, how you be goin' from Jack Bauer, to Michael from The Lost Boys
, to... old cod face? That guy must be hella funny."
9. Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley
Okay, so they both had messed up childhoods. And perfectly arched eyebrows. And they probably shared lipstick. Regardless of all that, this shit was weird (and Presley maintains their love was real). How do you even kiss a guy when he's wearing a silky black mask over his nose and mouth all the time though? Write a book, Lisa. We wanna know.
8. Moby & Natalie Portman
Moby told Spin
Magazine that his affair with Natalie was "very brief" and that it made him the target of "nerd wrath" from Portman's fans. You're dating Luke Skywalker's MLF, dude! What did you think was gonna happen? (Props to Moby for punching so far above his weight though. That woman is stupid hot.)
7. Eminem & Kim Basinger
Neither of them will confirm that this affair happened, and (assuming the rumors are true) we can't blame Kim for getting with young Marshall, but come on, Em, she was playing your mom in 8 Mile at the time. That's beyond creepy.
6. Seal's Marriage To Heidi Klum
The more we watch "Project Runway," the more convinced we are that Heidi Klum is an evil robot. Have you heard how she says "Hello!" every week? It's like nails on a chalk board. By contrast, Seal's dulcet tones could lull us to sleep in the blink of an eye. We imagine he wanders around the house wearing those sound-deadening headphones that construction workers are so fond of.
5. Marilyn Manson Dating Evan Rachel Wood (And Humping Her In A Video)
Oh Marilyn... This smacked so hard of mid-life crisis and Dita Von Teese revenge, we wanted to go to your dark mansion in the hills and have an intervention. Manson and Wood called off their engagement earlier this year, but sadly, the hideously graphic video for "Heart Shaped Glasses (When The Heart Guides The Hand)" will live on forever.
4. Jack White's Relationship With Renee Zellweger
Mostly, with this one, we were worried that Bones McGee was going to put Jack on a strict diet and make him all wiry and shit. They split in 2004 after over a year and a half together, but we have yet to receive word about whether the break-up was caused by dietary conflicts.
3. Benji Madden & Paris Hilton's Nine-Month Relationship
Whatever you might think of Good Charlotte
, Benji Madden is a blue collar boy with an intense work ethic and enough tattoos to keep Kat Von D busy for several years. Paris, by contrast, is an over-privileged airhead with a fondness for pink and getting arrested. They were together for most of 2008. Benj, love: you can do better.
2. Cher Dating Tom Cruise In The '80s
She's a rock goddess with a massive drag queen following and he's a raging lunatic Scientologist (Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, by the way, liked to preach that homosexuality was an illness). Cher dated Cruise after Risky Business
, so it's before he lost his marbles, but still -- straight-laced Tom with the usually naked Cher? It makes literally no sense. At all.
1. Billy Corgan Dating Jessica Simpson
This year, the ultra-sensitive and deep-thinking Corgan confessed to loving Jessica in Rolling Stone, despite the fact that she doesn't know the difference between tuna and chicken. He didn't bring up that last bit, but we can't imagine how frustrated he must have been trying to converse with this woman. At least he's not John Mayer, though.